Wednesday, June 2, 2010


Update on my failure.

I have e-mailed at total of 5 people, which only 2 responded. Neither answered my question of how the GPA is calculated. None really helped me out at all. So, I decided to make an appointment with director of the program I'm applying to. I explained to her everything and she said that it's the computer that calculates everything. She said that according to my transcripts and quick once-over she doesn't why I wouldn't be recommended for the program. So, she decided to try to resubmit my application so i can recommended for the interview. Which will ultimately decide if I get into the program or not. Hopefully they accept the resubmission. All I want is that interview. The chance to prove myself.

Anyways, I got my College Diploma today. Pretty, right? Too bad the sight of it makes me want to cry my eyes out.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Law Abiding Citizen

I finally finished watching the movie Law Abiding Citizen with Gerard Butler and Jemie Foxx. The basic idea about this movie is that Butler's character wants to teach the justice system about justice, because his family was raped and murdered and the murderer was only charged with 3rd degree murder and walked away after spending only a few months in prison. The DA, Jamie Foxx, was the one who made this deal because he didn't want to mess up his numbers at the time. He goes about doing so in the most gory and awful ways. He kills off several people, and is playing with Foxx's character.

Towards the end Foxx asks Butler, "Do you think your wife and daughter would feel good about you killing in their name?" I may be biased because I know for fact that if this ever happened to my Dad's family he would do exactly what Butler's character did except worse. But I think that has a daughter and wife and mother I would be proud of my Dad if he took action into his own hands, especially if the government which is here to protect it's "Law Abiding Citizens" didn't do that.

I'm not a violent person, and I'm that type to dislike wars and death row and what not. But I do understand that every act that people commit is personal. My Dad is a just man and extremely loving and protective of his family. If he was left incapacitated and had to watch his entire family be raped and murdered I would expect nothing less of him.

And it is because of this that I will forever respect and love my Dad, and know that he will always be there for me. Probably even in death.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

day 3? well it feels like day 3 with my hangover of being rejected...oh and Thank yous

First I don't think I've been very appreciative of Rosemi and Krista who have commented on my last 2 posts. Thank you for supporting me and helping me out. I think that I have been able to smile and laugh with my daughter today only because of what you both have said and that someone other than my husband actually care.

So, update my newest failure. I spoke to my parents about it and my mom said what was expected. Which is exactly what I wanted to hear. Bless her for knowing what I WANT. Then I speak to my dad and he simply cyber slaps me in the face and says to get my butt off the ground and fight for it if I really want it. I gave him nothing complaints. He kept telling me that I needed to speak to someone in charge and ask for an appeal. Of course, D is in the background agreeing with him. He was trying to tell me the same things last nite, but last nite all I wanted was to wallow and cry my eyes and dream about fri and sat and getting drunk. So, D helped me send an e-mail to the woman who rejected me proving her wrong about my GPA. Because, actually I have a 3.295 not 3.1 like she had told me over the phone. Hopefully, she and the director won't take my e-mail offensively and take it seriously.

Hopefully this works, because if they tell me no again, I'm not sure what I'll do then.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

everything will feel like its meant to be

In light of my recent failure I will go on to feel as if every next bright idea I have is what I'm supposed to REALLY do. I know that as a Catholic/Christian I should believe in God and that He has great plans for all his children (including the nonbelievers) and that when he closes one door he opens several windows. However, how am I sure that this particular door slamming in my face is His doing? I mean, don't you think it's sort of selfish of me to blame it on Him for my failure? For ME not getting a good enough GPA and for ME not being able to get into the program.
But, of course like a somewhat good Christian, I do believe these things...sort of. I mean is every opportunity or idea of mine the BIG ONE? The one that's supposed to set me free?
For example, I love to write. I've had several projects on the side. I've never been able to take them seriously because of school. So now am I supposed to turn writing into a career and make a living out of it?
Also, since I've been home and have had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do, I have been cooking every single day at 1:30 for the family. I actually enjoy doing this. I enjoy looking on the internet for ideas, altering recipes to my liking and cooking the food and having it actually taste good. I love the idea of baking and have therefore tried to bake. I'm definitely not a baker, but every failure brings me closer to the perfect cake. I'm on a quest to bake that perfect cake. So, am I supposed to go to culinary school and learn to become a chef?

You the problem. Everything that I like or enjoy doing will become a revelation to me right now. And it's ALL because I didn't get accepted. What am I supposed to do? I don't like not having a plan. I'm terrified of the fact that I'm going to have to seriously put myself out there and find a job. I've already applied for 20 and I haven't gotten one interview. what if I apply for 100 and get nothing? Do you know what that would do to me?

I'm trying to pull it together, to simply act. I'm trying to look at other schools, to look at where I can find a job with simply a BA in psychology. But, right now, if I did get an interview, I'm not sure it'd be a very good one. I don't know what I am right now. I have failed so utterly that it has shattered my soul, and for the moment I don't know what it is I'm supposed to do.

I truly believe that every being on this Earth has a calling. And I always thought my calling was supposed to help people. Who helps people? Psychologists. and I actually LOVE learning about it. The human mind, the way emotions play with truth, how our parents play a factor in our adult lives considering we only spend about 1/4 with them. But what if it's not what I'm supposed to do. How will I know this? How will I be confident, that maybe me not getting in this program just means I'm supposed to go to another school. I DON'T KNOW! I DON'T KNOW! I DON'T KNOW!

I'm nobody! Who are you?
Are you nobody, too?
Then there's a pair of us — don't tell!
They'd banish us, you know.

How dreary to be somebody!
How public, like a frog
To tell your name the livelong day
To an admiring bog!

This poem envelopes me and consoles me and makes me feel worlds betters. So, take me Emily Dickinson. If you were here, right now, and you'd dictate your poetry aloud to me, I would have become your mistress and banish your loneliness.

Monday, May 24, 2010

my ultimate accomplishment is my biggest failure. what a nice 100th post, huh?

From the moment I found out that I was pregnant and let everyone know; everyone said that it would be ok if I didn't finish college. I mean everyone. There was only one person who was not ok with Not finishing in college in 4 years was out of the question, regardless of having a baby or not. I took 5-6 classes per semester, including summer just so i could graduate in Spring 2010, the year I was supposed to graduate. There was not other option, not accomplishing this would have been my ultimate failure. Little did I know this very accomplishment would be my ultimate failure. Who knew?

Here I am, in my bed, doing breathing exercises to regulate my breathing and to prevent the unpreventable tears that so badly want to see light. I have failed to get into grad school. I thought it was a sure thing, it seemed so easy. I had everything. I had no Plan B, I had no thoughts about anything else. There was only grad school. What am I supposed to do with a bachelor's degree in psychology? There is nothing that I am interested in. Nothing. I am nothing without school. I am one of those people who loves going to school. I love reading and learning new things, and making deadlines. I have only known school from the time I 3-years-old. I haven't even thought of the idea of not going to school. For me it was endless years of schooling. 6 in elementary, 6 in secondary, 4 in college, 2-4 in grad school, 6 in PhD, and I was planning on becoming a professor after that, so indefinite amount of time in school.

I don't want to face the real world. I don't want to get a real job, and be like everyone else who hates it and works just for the money. That's what prostitutes are, and I don't want to be a prostitutes. I've already had to grow up so much in my life and I don't want to continue having to be mature and responsible.

What am i without this? I am nothing but simply a mother and wife without school. I am nothing, just like Emily Dickinson.

Friday, May 14, 2010

wanting to write something

have you ever felt the need to write? Just simply write? Then you settle in front of the computer or favorite notebook and......NOTHING! that happens to me more often than not. I wish i could write everytime i sit with my (hand dandy) notebook and computer, alas, that is not the case. I always seem to come up with wonderous writing ideas when i;m a thread away from blissful sleep or in the car with my hands at 10 o'clock - 2 o'clock, getting every green light. What is a girl to do?
My friend said i should just use the voice recorder on my phone. That would be amazing, if i didn't use my phone to listen to the amazing music that inspires in the first place; a Catch-22.
So now, I sit here in front of both my laptop and notebook with....NOTHING. Of course, I'm in the MOOD to write something wonderful, but what to write about?
I don't even have options. My head is deathly quiet with ideas. Nothing is happening in there except for breathing, typing on the keyboard, reading, trying to make this sentences coherent. I mean, I thought 2:27 AM was like THE time to write super amazing pieces of work. I guess i was mistaken, for 2:27 AM is the time to sleep. But no, not me. I don't sleep, ebacsue I just came back from the movies. I know!

WOAH! seriously, someone (points to self) needs to get off the toilet (yes, i'm typing this from the bathroom. Nice visual, huh) and go to bed!


Thursday, May 13, 2010

Congratulations to me

I DID it!!!! I graduated from college with a degree in Psychology and a minor (which means nothing) in Religion. This si the biggest accomplishment I've ever done in my life. I know that this graduation means just as little as the high school one becasue I only have more schooling to go, but everything considered I did it!

I remember at the end of freshmen year I got pregnant and everyone would tell me, "It's ok. You don't have to finish on time because you are the woman. Don't worry about school." Some people even told me, "Because you are a woman, you don't even need school." Wow, right? Well, i LOVE to prove people wrong, to show where they can stick their lack of confidence in me.

In celebration of my accomplishment I bought the FIU college ring. I know I'm a nerd. However, I bought to show my daughter that she can do anything she wants to do. Because of that ring she has NO reason not to accomplish her dreams, and she definitely has no reason not to finish college on time. Lol. My poor daughter, she really does have no excuse, becasue if I was able to do it in 4 years while raising a child with a 3.4 GPA I think she can do it too.

I hope when she gets older she'll be able to appreciate everything i've done for her. Because even though I did this to prove people wrong to get my degree, I ultimately did it for her. To provide a better life for her.