update

Update on my failure.

I have e-mailed at total of 5 people, which only 2 responded. Neither answered my question of how the GPA is calculated. None really helped me out at all. So, I decided to make an appointment with director of the program I'm applying to. I explained to her everything and she said that it's the computer that calculates everything. She said that according to my transcripts and quick once-over she doesn't why I wouldn't be recommended for the program. So, she decided to try to resubmit my application so i can recommended for the interview. Which will ultimately decide if I get into the program or not. Hopefully they accept the resubmission. All I want is that interview. The chance to prove myself.

Anyways, I got my College Diploma today. Pretty, right? Too bad the sight of it makes me want to cry my eyes out.

Law Abiding Citizen

I finally finished watching the movie Law Abiding Citizen with Gerard Butler and Jemie Foxx. The basic idea about this movie is that Butler's character wants to teach the justice system about justice, because his family was raped and murdered and the murderer was only charged with 3rd degree murder and walked away after spending only a few months in prison. The DA, Jamie Foxx, was the one who made this deal because he didn't want to mess up his numbers at the time. He goes about doing so in the most gory and awful ways. He kills off several people, and is playing with Foxx's character.

Towards the end Foxx asks Butler, "Do you think your wife and daughter would feel good about you killing in their name?" I may be biased because I know for fact that if this ever happened to my Dad's family he would do exactly what Butler's character did except worse. But I think that has a daughter and wife and mother I would be proud of my Dad if he took action into his own hands, especially if the government which is here to protect it's "Law Abiding Citizens" didn't do that.

I'm not a violent person, and I'm that type to dislike wars and death row and what not. But I do understand that every act that people commit is personal. My Dad is a just man and extremely loving and protective of his family. If he was left incapacitated and had to watch his entire family be raped and murdered I would expect nothing less of him.

And it is because of this that I will forever respect and love my Dad, and know that he will always be there for me. Probably even in death.

day 3? well it feels like day 3 with my hangover of being rejected...oh and Thank yous

First I don't think I've been very appreciative of Rosemi and Krista who have commented on my last 2 posts. Thank you for supporting me and helping me out. I think that I have been able to smile and laugh with my daughter today only because of what you both have said and that someone other than my husband actually care.

So, update my newest failure. I spoke to my parents about it and my mom said what was expected. Which is exactly what I wanted to hear. Bless her for knowing what I WANT. Then I speak to my dad and he simply cyber slaps me in the face and says to get my butt off the ground and fight for it if I really want it. I gave him nothing complaints. He kept telling me that I needed to speak to someone in charge and ask for an appeal. Of course, D is in the background agreeing with him. He was trying to tell me the same things last nite, but last nite all I wanted was to wallow and cry my eyes and dream about fri and sat and getting drunk. So, D helped me send an e-mail to the woman who rejected me proving her wrong about my GPA. Because, actually I have a 3.295 not 3.1 like she had told me over the phone. Hopefully, she and the director won't take my e-mail offensively and take it seriously.

Hopefully this works, because if they tell me no again, I'm not sure what I'll do then.

everything will feel like its meant to be

In light of my recent failure I will go on to feel as if every next bright idea I have is what I'm supposed to REALLY do. I know that as a Catholic/Christian I should believe in God and that He has great plans for all his children (including the nonbelievers) and that when he closes one door he opens several windows. However, how am I sure that this particular door slamming in my face is His doing? I mean, don't you think it's sort of selfish of me to blame it on Him for my failure? For ME not getting a good enough GPA and for ME not being able to get into the program.
But, of course like a somewhat good Christian, I do believe these things...sort of. I mean is every opportunity or idea of mine the BIG ONE? The one that's supposed to set me free?
For example, I love to write. I've had several projects on the side. I've never been able to take them seriously because of school. So now am I supposed to turn writing into a career and make a living out of it?
Also, since I've been home and have had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do, I have been cooking every single day at 1:30 for the family. I actually enjoy doing this. I enjoy looking on the internet for ideas, altering recipes to my liking and cooking the food and having it actually taste good. I love the idea of baking and have therefore tried to bake. I'm definitely not a baker, but every failure brings me closer to the perfect cake. I'm on a quest to bake that perfect cake. So, am I supposed to go to culinary school and learn to become a chef?

You the problem. Everything that I like or enjoy doing will become a revelation to me right now. And it's ALL because I didn't get accepted. What am I supposed to do? I don't like not having a plan. I'm terrified of the fact that I'm going to have to seriously put myself out there and find a job. I've already applied for 20 and I haven't gotten one interview. what if I apply for 100 and get nothing? Do you know what that would do to me?

I'm trying to pull it together, to simply act. I'm trying to look at other schools, to look at where I can find a job with simply a BA in psychology. But, right now, if I did get an interview, I'm not sure it'd be a very good one. I don't know what I am right now. I have failed so utterly that it has shattered my soul, and for the moment I don't know what it is I'm supposed to do.

I truly believe that every being on this Earth has a calling. And I always thought my calling was supposed to help people. Who helps people? Psychologists. and I actually LOVE learning about it. The human mind, the way emotions play with truth, how our parents play a factor in our adult lives considering we only spend about 1/4 with them. But what if it's not what I'm supposed to do. How will I know this? How will I be confident, that maybe me not getting in this program just means I'm supposed to go to another school. I DON'T KNOW! I DON'T KNOW! I DON'T KNOW!


I'm nobody! Who are you?
Are you nobody, too?
Then there's a pair of us — don't tell!
They'd banish us, you know.

How dreary to be somebody!
How public, like a frog
To tell your name the livelong day
To an admiring bog!

This poem envelopes me and consoles me and makes me feel worlds betters. So, take me Emily Dickinson. If you were here, right now, and you'd dictate your poetry aloud to me, I would have become your mistress and banish your loneliness.

my ultimate accomplishment is my biggest failure. what a nice 100th post, huh?

From the moment I found out that I was pregnant and let everyone know; everyone said that it would be ok if I didn't finish college. I mean everyone. There was only one person who was not ok with this...me. Not finishing in college in 4 years was out of the question, regardless of having a baby or not. I took 5-6 classes per semester, including summer just so i could graduate in Spring 2010, the year I was supposed to graduate. There was not other option, not accomplishing this would have been my ultimate failure. Little did I know this very accomplishment would be my ultimate failure. Who knew?

Here I am, in my bed, doing breathing exercises to regulate my breathing and to prevent the unpreventable tears that so badly want to see light. I have failed to get into grad school. I thought it was a sure thing, it seemed so easy. I had everything. I had no Plan B, I had no thoughts about anything else. There was only grad school. What am I supposed to do with a bachelor's degree in psychology? There is nothing that I am interested in. Nothing. I am nothing without school. I am one of those people who loves going to school. I love reading and learning new things, and making deadlines. I have only known school from the time I 3-years-old. I haven't even thought of the idea of not going to school. For me it was endless years of schooling. 6 in elementary, 6 in secondary, 4 in college, 2-4 in grad school, 6 in PhD, and I was planning on becoming a professor after that, so indefinite amount of time in school.

I don't want to face the real world. I don't want to get a real job, and be like everyone else who hates it and works just for the money. That's what prostitutes are, and I don't want to be a prostitutes. I've already had to grow up so much in my life and I don't want to continue having to be mature and responsible.

What am i without this? I am nothing but simply a mother and wife without school. I am nothing, just like Emily Dickinson.

wanting to write something

have you ever felt the need to write? Just simply write? Then you settle in front of the computer or favorite notebook and......NOTHING! that happens to me more often than not. I wish i could write everytime i sit with my (hand dandy) notebook and computer, alas, that is not the case. I always seem to come up with wonderous writing ideas when i;m a thread away from blissful sleep or in the car with my hands at 10 o'clock - 2 o'clock, getting every green light. What is a girl to do?
My friend said i should just use the voice recorder on my phone. That would be amazing, if i didn't use my phone to listen to the amazing music that inspires in the first place; a Catch-22.
So now, I sit here in front of both my laptop and notebook with....NOTHING. Of course, I'm in the MOOD to write something wonderful, but what to write about?
I don't even have options. My head is deathly quiet with ideas. Nothing is happening in there except for breathing, typing on the keyboard, reading, trying to make this sentences coherent. I mean, I thought 2:27 AM was like THE time to write super amazing pieces of work. I guess i was mistaken, for 2:27 AM is the time to sleep. But no, not me. I don't sleep, ebacsue I just came back from the movies. I know!



WOAH! seriously, someone (points to self) needs to get off the toilet (yes, i'm typing this from the bathroom. Nice visual, huh) and go to bed!

GOOD NIGHT!!

Congratulations to me

I DID it!!!! I graduated from college with a degree in Psychology and a minor (which means nothing) in Religion. This si the biggest accomplishment I've ever done in my life. I know that this graduation means just as little as the high school one becasue I only have more schooling to go, but everything considered I did it!

I remember at the end of freshmen year I got pregnant and everyone would tell me, "It's ok. You don't have to finish on time because you are the woman. Don't worry about school." Some people even told me, "Because you are a woman, you don't even need school." Wow, right? Well, i LOVE to prove people wrong, to show where they can stick their lack of confidence in me.

In celebration of my accomplishment I bought the FIU college ring. I know I'm a nerd. However, I bought to show my daughter that she can do anything she wants to do. Because of that ring she has NO reason not to accomplish her dreams, and she definitely has no reason not to finish college on time. Lol. My poor daughter, she really does have no excuse, becasue if I was able to do it in 4 years while raising a child with a 3.4 GPA I think she can do it too.

I hope when she gets older she'll be able to appreciate everything i've done for her. Because even though I did this to prove people wrong to get my degree, I ultimately did it for her. To provide a better life for her.

thank you

Sometimes, it's nice to know that people actually care about you. It's hard sometimes to believe this true after so many years of writing everything down to myself in my own private journal that nobody reads, not even myself. I know half of that is my fault for never trusting, the reason unknown to me. I don't keep secrets, which is why i keep journal, and why i keep the hubby around. lol. Sometimes, there are secrets that not even the hubby can know about, and what can i do then? I write...and read. I pretend the characters in my books are real. I speak to them and share with them, as they share with me their innermost thoughts. It's only fair, you know.
I swear I'm not crazy, not legally anyways. I just have different thought processes than most people and i tend to be open about them.
This post is a convoluted way of saying thank you. You know who you are. Thank you times a million. You have no idea how much your gesture meant to me. Thank you thank you thank you thank you....

I am Nobody

Sometimes it's hard to sit in front of one's computer and write out their life. Especially, if they're going to be honest. It truly is difficult for me to describe to you my insecurities and my faults. Especially now that I'm being more and more honest because no one that I see reads my blog anymore. Now it's more for me (since I've lost my only followers, lol).
It's hard t be honest with oneself. However, as an honest person, shouldn't I be honest to the most important person of all? Who is that person anyways? "Who am I? I am nobody"o (E.D). I am someone who loves to be different, from what I wear to how I look physically and think and what I believe and how I talk. I embrace that I am different, because why fool myself into thinking I'm just like everyone else?
I am someone who is not afraid but so afraid all at the same time. I'm not afraid to show my true self, but I am terrified of rejection and being ridiculed. I am someone who doesn't care what people think of me, but am constantly wondering what people are thinking about me. I am someone whose biggest hope and greatest fear is to accomplish something. I want to be significant in this world. I want to make a change, but I have no idea how and I have no idea how to even get there.
I am someone that loves to be a mother but wakes up every morning fearing that I am ruining my child's life. I am someone who loves passionately. I love my husband and daughter and dog with all my heart. I love all my friends no matter how far away they are. I love my parents and siblings til no end. But with all that passion for good, I also hate passionately. I hate the word hate, but I do in fact hate people. Ot as I like to say, "dislike passionately". I dislike so many people like that, that if they just touch me I cringe and die a little inside. I honestly hate that about me. I am someone who doesn't like to curse and doesn't like when others curse as well.
I am someone that tries so hard to be a good person, but finds it so hard to do. I am someone who wishes she were Mother Teresa or someone just as saintlike. I am an envious person, the green0eyed monster forever lives in my heart telling what it doesn't have and deeply desires. I am a greedy person, but not even myself knows it. I wish I can give, but I never have anything to give.
I am someone that would give the clothes of my back to my neighbor is to afraid to do for what others may think.
I am someone who tells myself mantras throughout the day so that I can get through it. I truly believe that if you believe you have self-confidence then you do. I am still waiting for that self-confidence. I am someone that thinks the worse of myself. I believe I am a terrible mother, wife, student, etc. Yet, at the same time I praise myself on every little accomplishment.
I am a complicated someone that half of the time doesn't know who she is, but truly believes I know who I am like the back of my hand (where did that thing go....)
I am me, and as much as I don't like me I stuck with me. The most I could is give myself a try.

trying to please the mind

Picture This...
You're walking through a crowded library. You're thinking about why this stupid cold still hasn't gone away and how you can't breathe. All of a sudden you notice that your eyes haven't stopped checking people out, and without even knowing it your mind has been registering this information from the beginning. You decide to give your mind what it wants and pay attention to what other people are doing. You begin to people watch.
-That girl to your left has on some really nice shoes, but those jeans definitely do not look good.
-The man to your right looks a little sad, but has AWESOME hair.
-The other man that just passed you without even checking you out is totally not worth it anyways. Even if it does look like you has a great bod.
-The girl reading the same book you did just 5 minutes ago looks like an old friend.
-That little kids look adorable in his little man vest. Odd though since it's definitely not cold outside or inside.
-I wonder if that woman with the kids still has sex with her husband, she looks sexually frustrated to me.
-hmmm....I wonder if that guy is checking me out. Totally cool.
-ugh, I can't people watch anymore this is so stupid. I just want to go home and lay down and forget I'm sick and have a kid whoch is recovering from being sick and hubby who still is sick.
-sorry brain, i like observing my downfalls better. than other peoples downfalls

a country song

I was asked to dance last night by a boy who wasn't my husband. That was one of the most awkward experiences of my life. I know what you're probably thinking, but I've never been asked to dance by some random boy I had never known. Actually, I don't think I've ever been asked to dance by any boy. I didn't so much get asked to dance as if the boy could teach me to dance. Look, let me explain something to you all. I definitely know how to dance. I can booty dance, I can rave, I can salsa, meringue, and a little chaha; I can even dance to 80's music (running man and all). But I've never lined dance before.

Last night my friend invited D and I to this place called the Round Up. It's a Western Bar in Davie, FL. It was so much fun. More than half of the night we all looked like fools trying to catch up with the line dancing. There was dance my friend knew and it was because the DJ puts that type of dance on every few songs. It's called the Country ChaCha. I know the dance. I do! But for the same life of me there's this one step that throws me off. And since the one step gets me all befuddled I can't do the rest of the dance.

So, during one of the Chacha's this boy comes up behind me, grabs my hands and says, "Want me to teach you to dance it?” I look up at him doe-eyed and speechless, gave a little smile; which I guess means, "Yes", because next thing I knew he had his arm around my waist teaching me the dance. Now, I know I could have very easily said no and the whole time I felt guilty because that boy was not my man. But, can you honestly blame a 21-year-old girl of not knowing how to respond when a boy asks her to dance when she's never been asked? I know; it's still a lame excuse.

That boy made my night. I know it's so vain and selfish and superficial and shallow. But knowing that I was still wanted by someone truly made me feel nice. Sometimes I wonder (and I say this to D all the time) that what if we hadn't had S, and what if we broke up...would I have ever gotten another boyfriend? I tell him all the time that I don't think I would have because he was my first boyfriend and I was 15 turning 16. He was the first one I ever truly kissed without it being from Truth or Dare or anything of the like. He's the only I was intimate with (both mentally and physically). He was the only boy I ever had sex with and that was 3 years into our relationship. I really don't think I would have been able to find another boyfriend. I mean, I can't even find friends. He says he thinks so because he thinks I'm confident which is a huge plus. But I'm not truly confident. I have good self-esteem, I always haves, but I'm never really been self-confident.

I was telling him last night that every time we go out anywhere it always feels like it’s just the two of us in the whole place. It gives me the self-confidence. With him I dance the way I want to dance. I laugh as loud as I want. I don't care if I make a fool of myself. Why? Because he's the only one for me and I know he'll love me no matter how ridiculous I am. I can be me anywhere I go because of him.

That boy yesterday was a blessing. He helped me realize that I'm not stuck (sometimes I do feel as I am). That boy helped me see that D truly is the right man for me. I don't mean in terms of love, because honestly that term really is for fairytales. I mean in the sense that D provides for me, maintains me, and respects me. He does everything a good primordial spouse should do. And that's our love. And that's why I love him.

So thank you again Boy at Round Up for asking me to dance. You taught me that I am still attractive to the opposite sex, you taught me I am not only a mother and wife, you taught me that D IS my husband. Most importantly, Boy at the Round Up, you taught that even though one has self-esteem doesn't mean they have self-confidence and that's something I need to work on.

potpourri - don't you just LOVE that word?

As usual, my mind is all over the person where i can't seem to just write about one thing. I didn't want to write without it being consistent, but then I'd be depriving all of you (yes all TWO)of knowing the real me.

23rd of March, 2010 at 12:27 am
Right now I’m sitting on the toilet writing in my very own, brand new laptop. I have wanted one of these since before I graduated from high school; since they came out practically. You see; this laptop isn't just an ordinary laptop that just anyone gets. This laptop it touch screen. It's the Lenovo s10 3t tablet PC. Do you know what that means? I have been waiting for this laptop so that I may write on it...I mean in it as if it were one of my journals. I have wanted this laptop for the sole purpose of being able to write. The thing is I consider myself a writer. I've been writing in journals since I can remember. I kept a consistent journal all 4 years of high school. I was going to do the same in college, but the first year of college was too difficult for me to write down and relive everything that I felt. I started to keep one about my daughter, but again, there were a lot of painful memories. I know writing is supposed to be a tool to help with emotions and actually, in high school it was. But the troubles in high school were not as painful and deep as the ones in college and being a new mother.

That morning, but the next day... thinking I lost previous entry. 1:13 AM
 I’m sitting here in class with my laptop. I wish I knew what to write because right now there's nothing i can think of to write about. I've been waiting for this laptop for such a long time. I've been imagining all these things to do with it. To draw, to write stories and poems, to create SOMETHING. Now, I actually have it in my hands and...nothing.
I wanted it to be able to save paper to not continue to waste money on journals and to not waste my planet’s resources for selfish reasons. But what do I write? Maybe I could keep a journal, or maybe i can transcribe all my little novels. I probably will do both. But when? When will I get over my excitement and just start? Maybe with this I will be able to start now. Ok. Let me start with folders...

25th of March, 2010.10:57 PM
The facts of life are just as they seem. WE breathe, we eat, and we live. WE live. Those are powerful words, right? I mean what does it mean that "we live"? How does one live? By simply breathing and nourishing ourselves with what we absolutely need? Then again, don't we need other things that aren't biological? Sometimes, I wonder how simple life truly is. I know everyone says life is complicated, but is it truly?
My thoughts are as confused as this entry....

26th of March, 2010. 10:31 AM
Sometimes it is difficult to understand certain things in life. Sometimes it's hard to truly believe that a God exists when there's so much hate and suffering. But like all good Christians we always respond, "Without suffering there's no compassion". I've always believed and I think no matter I always will.
I haven't been the best Christian since I got pregnant, but I don't think I'm a bad one. It's just hard for me to feel accepted within one of the most judgmental societies out there. How can I go to Church with a 2 year old daughter? I know God doesn't judge, but people do. And they're the ones you interact with in Church. I remember in school we used to always ask our Religion teacher why Church was so important, and she used to say "We need to go to Church because we need to experience God as a community" She used to say that although receiving communion was important, it wasn't as important as learning how to be with a community and bonding with it. This sounds all nice and dandy, but how can I be accepted by them if I did what they hate the most? Fornication, child out of wedlock, still not married under God; still fornicating....I mean what is one to do?
I wish I could find a Church that didn't judge me, that wouldn't ask me to repent that sin of fornicating. Because honestly, I don't regret ever having sex with D. If I never would have had sex with him, if we wouldn't have been so careless and naive, S would have never been born and who would I be? I wouldn't be the determined woman I am right now. I wouldn't be as independent I am now. I wouldn't be as mature, as nurturing, as good as a mother I am now. I don't think I could've been a better mother at a later age, because I am trying so hard to prove something. I'm on top of my daughter and her eating habits and her intellectual development because I want to prove to my mother that I can do it, just like she did. I don't think either one of us would be the moms we are now if we didn't pregnant at such a young age...

the tide

the tide rushes in
i feel your hand on my leg.
the waves crash against the sand
i feel our hearts beat in time

the water licks our toes
as i feel your hand creep higher.
the sound of the waves pulling back
makes me breathe harder.

i feel your hand over my stomach
as the tide comes in
i feel it over my heart
as the waves crash against the sand.

i feel your lips on my throat
as the water licks our toes.
i feel you within me
as the sound of the waves pull back.

with each coming wave
i feel you cum.
with each receding wave
i feel myself let go.

our bodies moving like
the to-and-fro of the water.
our bodies moving like
the carelessness of the waves.

i feel our heart beats calm
as the tide pulls back.
i feel our heart beats calm
as we head back home.

a fairytale?

In this one blog, I can't remember the name but on the side she had a "sticker" that said something like, "We're so fairytale, it makes people sick". I've always believed that about my hubby and I except that it never made anyone feel sick. My friends, especially, my high school friends that saw us grow into each other since 10th grade, LOVE that we're still together and that we're successful despite everything that's happened.
It makes me happy that they're genuinely happy for us. I love them for that, for always being sincere. I think that's why it's been so hard for me to make friends, because I compare every new person to my high school friends. I wasn't necessarily super close to them, but we do talk and I know for a fact that I can rely on them for anything. I trust them not only with my life, but my baby's life as well. That's how awesome they are.
I also read in facebook someone put in their status update, "Good friends are like star. You don't always see them but know they're always there". And this is so true for my high school friends. They're not even that, they're my sisters.
I've grown up with most of them since I first moved to Nicaragua when i was 7 turning 8. My closest one of all practically lived me and she will always hold a special place in my heart. Actually, it's not fair for me to say she's my closest friend, because each one of those girls hold a place in my heart that is special and unique. these girls helped shape who I am. And I hope that they'd say the same thing about me. Right now, becasue I'm feeling so nostalgic, I'm going to share anecdotes about each one. By the end of this you all are probably going to want to call your BFFs. lol
The first one I'll share is about H. There's so many stories with her that I don't know which one to choose, but the one I always share is the one I'll describe now. WE were in the 5th grade and since the 3rd grade I had been hearing about this girl who was BFFs when my then BFF. Naturally, I was jealous and disliked this unknown girl. Then one day I walk out of class and I see these group of girls, including my BFF, surrounding someone. I peek and I knew instantly it was H. I wanted to turn away and cry, but I didn't. I decided to play nice, so I managed to walk up to her and say, "I love that icecream. Isn't delicious? especially the middle caramel part, it's my favorite part!" (she was eating ice cream btw). She turn to look at me with her flaming red hair and sed, "You want it? I can never finish things!" From that moment we were fast friends.

My next friend is one I made the moment she walked into the 5th grade classroom. I always seemed to empathize with the newcomers so I always befriended them. Anyways, we were already friends for a while. I was at her house and I asked her if I could talk to her about something. It was the second time I had my period and I had been experiencing some technical difficulties. so, I asked her, "When you get out of the shower, how do you manage NOT to dirty the towel? The maids keep getting mad at me, becasue I leave it all bloody." She replied simply, "I use toilet paper. It's easier that way and you can make sure you're dry." It was so enlightening that I've always loved her for it. Then she sed, "you know if you ever need anything, you can always ask me. I love helping out people, and I want to be here for you." Mind you, this girl was a month younger than me, yet she's always had the wisdom of a mature, middle-aged woman. I will never forget those last set of words, because I did rely on her a lot even she didn't know it.

this next and last girl is one I am fortunate enough to see more frequently than the previous two. I met her in the 8th grade. That year we were bombarded with new girls, but this one was the one I became friends with. I want to share a very recent story about her but I'm not sure how she'd like it if every knew. So, instead I'll share this one. She was about to leave to Fl in a few days so she invited me to her grandfather's farm. we horsebacked, we walked around, we told each other stories, we played pretend. We acted like little kids and it was so wonderful. It's what childhood should be like. Well, they were dropping me off and I had promised myself not to cry. I don't cry often anyways so I thought it wouldn't be hard. WEll, next I know she walks me to the gate of my house, I turn to give her a hug, and I start crying my eyes out. I was so distraught because she was leaving me. She hugged me back and said, "Don't cry, K. We're still talk and we'll write letters and call. I always come visit." I hugged her tighter and gave her a kiss on the cheek and walked into my house. It's a sad story to tell, but the thing is with her, J, we only had one year together. The rest of our friendship has been through phones, letters, or e-mail. And the rare visit. Somehow, though our friendship maintained and it has never been awkward with us. NEVER. WE pick up right where we left off as if the last time we saw each other was the day before. For that she will always be a part of my life becasue it's been almost 10 years of a long distance friendship and we're still sisters.

I have more friends that are just wonderful. and each one should be recognized, but by then I'd be mentioning my whole class. lol. I say give all your BFFs and sisters big hugs today becasue without those girls we'd be nothing.

IDK my BFF Jill...wait what BFF??

Even though I'm back, I feel a bit out of place. Like if my body isn't fully here or there or anywhere. I wish I could write happier posts for everyone, I wish I could be all gay and joyful, I wish I could describe to you all the happy things there are in my life, because luckily there are plenty. Unfortunately what consumes every space and crevice of my mind are the tortured parts of my soul: my insecurities, what I wish I had or didn't have, my discomforts, my anxieties. I've come to understand that I wouldn't be me, an anomaly to the human world, if I didn't feel all these things. If I had friends I wouldn't be who I am either. I can't say I'd be better or worse, I just wouldn't be me.

Most people go through life trying to figure out who they are and what's their purpose in this world. Because I've been so intuned to the Universe and God and just people around me I've known who I am for a long time; I've known what my purpose is for a while. So, as you can see, my problem is not figuring out who I am, but figuring out how to share myself with others. 

I'm a shy person, but certainly not insecure. I'm mostly shy because I don't want others to feel uncomfortable. I sometimes say things or express myself in ways that aren't normal to others. I say what I'm feeling and I'm honest. Not blunt, because I feel being blunt as a bad connotation, but I'm definitely a more vulnerable honest. I let people know when I'm sad or angry. This makes people uncomfortable because they never know how to react to me.

I mean, how would you react to someone who actually, truthfully answered, "How are you?". I mean why ask if you don't really want to know. I'm not good with small talk at all. I either don't talk or I tell you everything. 

This, people, is my problem. Or my only insecurity I guess. Will I ever find people, or MORE people, who like me for me? Or want to continue being my friend even after a class? IDK, but I sure hope so.

Once upon a time there lived a little girl who decided that maybe what she was setting out to do was not the right thing. She began to get very sick and depressed. No matter how much wine or other forms of hard liquor, she couldn't get her head straight....

Ok, I'm just kidding. I'm not that little girl. But I have been wondering how sure I am about the path I'm on. I'm graduating in 7 weeks with a BA in Psychology and a Minor in Religion. I am more than a little nervous. I don't know why, but I am scared CACALESS about this whole graduation thing. I have major senioritis and I'm really terrified of not being accepted into the grad program I'm apllying in a month. What if they DON'T accept me? That's a little nerve-wrecking especially considering that I think this grad program. The way I've gotten through most things is that I just tell myself "What happens...happens. And they happen for a reason". I hate this whole waiting game. I'm not very good with patience. I deal better with the now and the pressure of deadlines and what not. I think that's why I want to go postdoctorate. I know funny, right? considering since I've barely finished my undergrad. I can see myself, though, going back to school after everything and maybe even becoming a professor.

Sorry about the babbling, but this is how my head has been lately, actually a little worse conisdering i think about 100 other things.

oh selfish heart

oh! the spells of love
how they twist and twine
and stab our hearts.

the agony
the bliss
the wind that sweeps
our hearts
up and about.

the feeling of no
solid gorund.
the despair of crashing into it.

Why do hearts
fall into another?
So quickly?
So thoroughly?

For this reason
my love,
my heart, shall always be yours.
Now and forever
for if we were
to part
it'd come back to me
wounded,
bloody,
and batter.

For my heart's
sake.
I shall always love
you.

i'm here, i've returned!

For a while I was deciding of just deleting my blog account because i haven't been able to write anything for so long. My mojo is coming back, but very slowly. I feel like a person has lost the ability to move one of her limbs and then needs to go to therapy to learn how to move again. It's slow and painful and humiliating. So, right now I am learning to get my mojo back, to use it properly and to exercise it everyday.

Right now there are two quotes I'm living by. One of them I got from a book and the author of that quote is the famous German poet Rainer Maria Rilke and the other i invented. even though it's not true to my life for some reason it sparks inside me.

“‘I am alone in the world, and yet not alone enough to make each hour holy. I am
lowly in this world, and yet not lowly enough for me to be just a thing to you, dark and shrewd. I want my will and I want to go with my will as it
moves towards action. And I want, in those silent, somehow
faltering times, to be with someone who knows, or else alone. I want to reflect everything about you, and I never want to be too blind or too
ancient to keep your profound wavering image with me. I want to unfold. I don’t want to be folded anywhere, because there, where I’m folded, I
am a lie.’

 

"The truth untold floats between us like flower petals in the breeze. My eyes stare expectantly up at yours imploring them to reveal the secret. What secret? The secret that holds us together, that binds us, that makes us for who we are and what we will."

taking a break

Dear fellow Bloggers:
I have decided that i'm going to take a break. Sorry! =( Nothing's wrong it's just that 1) I've been reading ALOT of books, in the past 2 weeks i've read 7 1/2 books FOR FUN! on top of that i've been reading for class and for the infant development. usually that wouldn't stop me but i have been FEELING completely uninspired. It;'s as if the wick of the candle within the heart of my creativity is full of wax and flame only catches every now and then. I can't even write which is completely unheard of for me. I even tried that exercise where you make a story of the things around you. I couldn't do that. I can't draw anything worth while, I can't even look at paint, i haven't opened a notebook, not even for class, becasue i have nothing to write in it, nothing to doodle.
I was robbed of my mojo and i have no idea who took it. Last nite was the longest time i had the creative engines working at all and i feel it was only becasue i was sleep deprived, with a GREAT girlfriend, and watched a sappy movie (Valentine's Day).
I'm sorry that i haven't read any of your posts, but i can't bring myself to read them and not leave comments and if i leave comments they'll be half-assed becasue i won't be able to think of anything funny enough or witty enough or nice enough. Please forgive me.
I promise you all that I WILL find the thing that took my mojo and I will make it suffer for depriving me of the only thing i know how to do that makes me feel like me.

Sincerely,
ME wilting away in the corner devoid of light.

guilty pleasure

Who here here as a guilty pleasure???? (everyone raises hand). Ok, but not a sopa opera guilty pleasure, or "I love chocolate" guilty pleasure. I mean, who ehre has a guilty pleasure it's so wring it's almost sinful. Actually it is is sinful and you definitely shouldn't have that guilty pleasure? (Timidly raises).
Yes, I have a guilty pleasure that is just so wrong. But man oh man he it is just SO yummy good!
I really thank God that i have the hubby i do just because of how bad my guilty pleasure is. I mean it's bad. It's almost narcotic like. Well, after you all see the following pictures i want to know if you gals and gay men don't agree.

 

Yes, my guily pleasure is Alexander Skarsgard. He is Eric Northman on the HBO series True Blood. And OMgoodness he is just DELICIOUS!!! I could seriosuly eat him. Funny thing is that I read the book series (Sookie Stackhouse) way before I started to watch True Blood, and yet I managed to imagine him just as he is. Wouldn't he be you rguilty pleasure as well if he's EXACTLY what you imagined. i mean, that's perfection right there. God was SERIOUSLy showing off with this piece of work. You can tell God is an artist when he mande Alexander. SWOON!

If you're not convinced yet, about this picture. 

ABSOLUTELY YUMMY, yes? I know, I'm making a FOOL of myself by being so absolutely ridiculous about this man I don't even know. But I never had any major Hollywood crushes. I had posters but it was to fill up walls and most of the time i would jamble them up to make my perfect man. Also, I don't dig Anglo looking men. And I don't really noticed "hott" looking guys either (unless they're in one of my books). But this man...*sighs* this man is just so handsome, so beautiful so......(looking up synonyms in dicitonary.com......) pulchritudinous, guwapo (Filipino), komea (Finnish), beau (French), attraktiv (German), dathúil (Irish), attraente (Italian), pen (Norweigen) or as he would say stilig (Swedish). Yes, girls he's swedish.

Something you all don't know about me. A lot of ppl think I look like a fatter version of Lady Gaga. So I decided to dig up that video of hers and pretend I'm really her and he's kissing me. LOL! yes, pathetic, but delicious! (BTW, hubby, thank you for not ever getting jealous over this platonic romance I have Alexander)