i'm here, i've returned!

For a while I was deciding of just deleting my blog account because i haven't been able to write anything for so long. My mojo is coming back, but very slowly. I feel like a person has lost the ability to move one of her limbs and then needs to go to therapy to learn how to move again. It's slow and painful and humiliating. So, right now I am learning to get my mojo back, to use it properly and to exercise it everyday.

Right now there are two quotes I'm living by. One of them I got from a book and the author of that quote is the famous German poet Rainer Maria Rilke and the other i invented. even though it's not true to my life for some reason it sparks inside me.

“‘I am alone in the world, and yet not alone enough to make each hour holy. I am
lowly in this world, and yet not lowly enough for me to be just a thing to you, dark and shrewd. I want my will and I want to go with my will as it
moves towards action. And I want, in those silent, somehow
faltering times, to be with someone who knows, or else alone. I want to reflect everything about you, and I never want to be too blind or too
ancient to keep your profound wavering image with me. I want to unfold. I don’t want to be folded anywhere, because there, where I’m folded, I
am a lie.’

 

"The truth untold floats between us like flower petals in the breeze. My eyes stare expectantly up at yours imploring them to reveal the secret. What secret? The secret that holds us together, that binds us, that makes us for who we are and what we will."

taking a break

Dear fellow Bloggers:
I have decided that i'm going to take a break. Sorry! =( Nothing's wrong it's just that 1) I've been reading ALOT of books, in the past 2 weeks i've read 7 1/2 books FOR FUN! on top of that i've been reading for class and for the infant development. usually that wouldn't stop me but i have been FEELING completely uninspired. It;'s as if the wick of the candle within the heart of my creativity is full of wax and flame only catches every now and then. I can't even write which is completely unheard of for me. I even tried that exercise where you make a story of the things around you. I couldn't do that. I can't draw anything worth while, I can't even look at paint, i haven't opened a notebook, not even for class, becasue i have nothing to write in it, nothing to doodle.
I was robbed of my mojo and i have no idea who took it. Last nite was the longest time i had the creative engines working at all and i feel it was only becasue i was sleep deprived, with a GREAT girlfriend, and watched a sappy movie (Valentine's Day).
I'm sorry that i haven't read any of your posts, but i can't bring myself to read them and not leave comments and if i leave comments they'll be half-assed becasue i won't be able to think of anything funny enough or witty enough or nice enough. Please forgive me.
I promise you all that I WILL find the thing that took my mojo and I will make it suffer for depriving me of the only thing i know how to do that makes me feel like me.

Sincerely,
ME wilting away in the corner devoid of light.

guilty pleasure

Who here here as a guilty pleasure???? (everyone raises hand). Ok, but not a sopa opera guilty pleasure, or "I love chocolate" guilty pleasure. I mean, who ehre has a guilty pleasure it's so wring it's almost sinful. Actually it is is sinful and you definitely shouldn't have that guilty pleasure? (Timidly raises).
Yes, I have a guilty pleasure that is just so wrong. But man oh man he it is just SO yummy good!
I really thank God that i have the hubby i do just because of how bad my guilty pleasure is. I mean it's bad. It's almost narcotic like. Well, after you all see the following pictures i want to know if you gals and gay men don't agree.

 

Yes, my guily pleasure is Alexander Skarsgard. He is Eric Northman on the HBO series True Blood. And OMgoodness he is just DELICIOUS!!! I could seriosuly eat him. Funny thing is that I read the book series (Sookie Stackhouse) way before I started to watch True Blood, and yet I managed to imagine him just as he is. Wouldn't he be you rguilty pleasure as well if he's EXACTLY what you imagined. i mean, that's perfection right there. God was SERIOUSLy showing off with this piece of work. You can tell God is an artist when he mande Alexander. SWOON!

If you're not convinced yet, about this picture. 

ABSOLUTELY YUMMY, yes? I know, I'm making a FOOL of myself by being so absolutely ridiculous about this man I don't even know. But I never had any major Hollywood crushes. I had posters but it was to fill up walls and most of the time i would jamble them up to make my perfect man. Also, I don't dig Anglo looking men. And I don't really noticed "hott" looking guys either (unless they're in one of my books). But this man...*sighs* this man is just so handsome, so beautiful so......(looking up synonyms in dicitonary.com......) pulchritudinous, guwapo (Filipino), komea (Finnish), beau (French), attraktiv (German), dathúil (Irish), attraente (Italian), pen (Norweigen) or as he would say stilig (Swedish). Yes, girls he's swedish.

Something you all don't know about me. A lot of ppl think I look like a fatter version of Lady Gaga. So I decided to dig up that video of hers and pretend I'm really her and he's kissing me. LOL! yes, pathetic, but delicious! (BTW, hubby, thank you for not ever getting jealous over this platonic romance I have Alexander)

you learn new things everyday

I learned several things about myself today:
1) I will actually give my phone the silent treatment (not using all day and purposefully leaving home without it) all day just because it did not wake me up at 6 am
2) I will actually wake up voluntarily at 6 am to continue reading a book.
3) I went to bed at 1 am trying to keep reading a book
4) I am perfectly ok with only sleeping a few hours..as long as i get to read book
5) i have to force myself to eat or do any other things while reading book
and lastly) I will do anything as long as I get to finish the book and know exactly what happens, because of course the moment i stop reading i JUST know things happen that aren't written in the book.

Ok, ok, before you send me off to the insane asylum in a straight jacket where i have to chew hole out of the white shoulder pads just so i can scratch myself...let me explain my love the written word.

I didn't always used to love reading. Actually, it took me a long time to learn how to read. I had a really big phonetics problems when i was younger and my parents never took me to a speech therapist. I don't think they were noticed, honestly, becasue i was advanced in everything else; especially math. By 1st grade I was multiplying up to 12. Pretty impressive, no? Anyways I would say i didn't learn how to read fluently until 3rd grade; I was 7 years old. Honestly, I think the only reason i really learned was because we had moved from Miami, FL to Nicaragua that year and I one of two Americans in my school. I had to perform well, because then what else would i have going for me?
I hated to read back then. I remember laying in my bed sweating because I had to read a whole chapter book. In the 5th grade we would have reading week. The class that read the most books as a whole would win a prize. My class really wanted to win. So, I would grab books and only read the summary and turn it in. After that I learned the power of summaries and how teachers assumed I read just because I spit back the back of the book summary almost verbatim. From then on you would never catch me reading a whole book. During that time my dad had started buying me books. I don't know why, but I think my parents are psychic because they did things like without knowing for sure if I truly liked it.

One of the books my dad bought me was at the beginning of 6th grade (he probably bought as soon as it came out in sept of 99)and it was Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban by J.K. Rowling. The cover of the book always intrigued me, but I could never bring myself to read a 435 page book. By the pictures you can tell how old it is and just how many times I read it.
Anyways, during Christmas break I decided to finally read it (1999) After that first encounter with reading a bookI became in love, enamored, fascinated with, entrapped, enchanted, captivated by, gaga over books. My dad was going to Miami right after xmas brak and I amde buy all the books he could find on the Harry Potter series. Of course he obliged and brought back only the two first books. He told me that the 4th wasn't going to come out until that summer (2000). I had to wait 6 WHOLE MONTHS until I could continue reading. During that long wait the books had become a huge hit for some odd reason and I was stuck. Every July after that I made sure either me, my dad or someone I knew was in Florida to buy me a harry potter book until the very last one in 2007.
Since the Harry Potter series my mom and dad started to buy my 3-4 books every summer and sometimes every Christmas. Since then I have bought myself at least two new books a year. Probably more, but I can't keep track of how many books I buy or download. It's like buying clothes.

As many books as I've read it's been a while since I felt connected with one. There's only been two books I've felt a connection with: the Harry Potter series and Twilight (I know, sorry). Both authors, although one is much greater of a writer than the other, know how to tell a story and know how to give birth to a great character. Right now, I felt a connection with another book and supposedly will be turned into a series; Fallen by Lauren Kate. Another supernatural book, but it was fantastic. It takes a pretty damn good writer to be able to make me feel just as disoriented and breathless as the heroine of the story. She was sure she knew things and so did I, but the books had as many twists as the Hulk Roller-coaster in Islands of Adventure. I finally finished the book today (after starting it yesterday) and can breathe a little more. I hadn't realized that it felt as if I had been holding my breath the whole time. It was recommended to me by someone and she also recommended me 3 other books. Of course, I will read them, but Fallen will be on mind for some weeks. I will probably read it over and over again just like I did with the Harry Potter series and Twilight (I've both series separately at least 6 times...each book). I fall so hard for certain books it's as if they turn into my lovers for a few days.
I think I have a feeling why I fall for books so hard and why I consider them my greatest companions, but that's something only the psychologist in me shoudl know. You know the deal...patient-doctor confidentiality.

inspired

I read somewhere that now-a-days we expect too much of our spouses. Before it used to be that we, women, only expected our husbands to feed us, provide us with safety, and make sure we have a roof over our head. Now we expect them to love us, respect us, indulge us and INSPIRE us. Maybe this is asking for too much, but what it you married someone without any expectations and they manage to do all this all on their own?
I never saw my hubby as someone who would inspire. He's extremely down to earth, and his major is engineering. He doesn't read, and reads and watches the news for fun. With good news he doesn't show much emotion. He is extremely sensitive, but I think it's more becasue his mom babied him since he was the last one and so much younger than his older brothers. You can't get anyone more nonexpressive than him. Which is fine to me, trust me. But really, could you find him inspiring?
Well, I couldn't and I was honestly shocked the other day when he gave me such a good idea for a poem. He said something that made me want to express it creatively. He inspired me.
Well, here's the poem:

Even the sun fades

the flowers wilt
the trees burn
lightening strike.
Even the sun fades.

little critters die
buildings collapse.
even the sun fades,
but my love for you never will.

Even the sun fades,
but my love never will.

The sunrises ever morning
and it sets every night.
The birds chirp in greeting
just as I'll always love you

Caterpillars turn into butterflies
and chameleons change colors.
Even the sun fades...
but I will always love you.

Here's another poem that my coworker inspired in me becasue she was yelling to the office that she has no time even though she has 36 hour days.

SPLIT

How do i splity myself?
a mother
a wife
a daughter.
How do I split myself?

I dedicated myself
I learn how to manage time,
how to juggle,
how to grow more arms.
But how do i split myself?

24 hours isn't enough
for I work 36 hour days.
Please tell me
for I am begging you...
How do i split myself?

The owl, elephant and sister Banana Peanut-butter towers.

Sitting on the ground
listening to the wise owl sing.
A song of despair, beauty, and romance.
A song that can ring.
It rings across the lands,
over the hills
and right through a river.

I'm sitting on the ground
confessing to a loyal elephant.
I'm confessing my affairs, my triumphs and sins.
I'm confessing all that I am and who I've been since an infant.

Sitting on the ground
being nourished by sister towers.
Sisters towers made up of bananas and peanut-butter.
Sister towers that have magical powers.




I'm sitting on the ground
a nice soft, squishy brown ground.
Digging my toes in the enriched soil
Feel the breeze on my face
Smelling the flowers,
and listening to the birds.
I'm sitting on this ground with
the wise owl,
the loyal elephant,
and my two sister banana peanut-butter towers.
I'm sitting on the ground.

blöd, blöd, blöd, blöd, blöd!!! UGH!

Yes! Bring in the king and throne, the audience, and the jester hat for i am a FOOL. I complained, pleaded, begged, asked, whined (a little) yesterday for advice on how to make a friend. I needed ideas how to exapnd my horizons and just get a girlfriend whom I could trust and who needed me. No one has ever invited me ANYWHERE! TO ANYTHING....
Today God, the Almighty Lord, decided to bless me. (Bless that Man). I stayed in class for an hour (which I didn't need becasue I had finished my work) talking to a girl today. It was AMAZING!! (I sound so lesbian, don't I? lol). Anyways, we talked about S, school, graduation and it's upcoming DOOM. We walked out together and everything. Then I was about to part ways feeling defeated for another probable failed friendship. I'm already mourning the potential when nothing's even happend. I'm so lost in my gloom that I barely hear her ask, "Would you like to join me and my sister for lunch?" I stare at her confused. "Whaaaa?" is what my face practically said all on it's own. She rephrases, "Yeah, my sister's here in Starbucks, you could...join...us (I'm probabaly drooling at this point)...if you'd like."
"Actually, " I say, like the biggest blöd (idiot) I am, "I already had lunch. Thanks". And rushed out of there like if she was a leper.
Please explain to me why I would act in such a way when I'm so desperate for friendship? I would like to thank God's attempt at helping me out, but obviously I'm a lost cause. I really hope this doesn't ruin anything, but seriously! I mean, go ahead...laugh at my stupidity. I know. I was laughing at myself and cursing myself all day today.
I guess, my only option is to "KEEP MOVING FORWARD" (name the movie!!=P) Hopefully, she doesn't think I'm a complete flake for my brief moment of stupidity. =( and she's super nice too AND smart. Such great BFF potential.