thank you

Sometimes, it's nice to know that people actually care about you. It's hard sometimes to believe this true after so many years of writing everything down to myself in my own private journal that nobody reads, not even myself. I know half of that is my fault for never trusting, the reason unknown to me. I don't keep secrets, which is why i keep journal, and why i keep the hubby around. lol. Sometimes, there are secrets that not even the hubby can know about, and what can i do then? I write...and read. I pretend the characters in my books are real. I speak to them and share with them, as they share with me their innermost thoughts. It's only fair, you know.
I swear I'm not crazy, not legally anyways. I just have different thought processes than most people and i tend to be open about them.
This post is a convoluted way of saying thank you. You know who you are. Thank you times a million. You have no idea how much your gesture meant to me. Thank you thank you thank you thank you....

I am Nobody

Sometimes it's hard to sit in front of one's computer and write out their life. Especially, if they're going to be honest. It truly is difficult for me to describe to you my insecurities and my faults. Especially now that I'm being more and more honest because no one that I see reads my blog anymore. Now it's more for me (since I've lost my only followers, lol).
It's hard t be honest with oneself. However, as an honest person, shouldn't I be honest to the most important person of all? Who is that person anyways? "Who am I? I am nobody"o (E.D). I am someone who loves to be different, from what I wear to how I look physically and think and what I believe and how I talk. I embrace that I am different, because why fool myself into thinking I'm just like everyone else?
I am someone who is not afraid but so afraid all at the same time. I'm not afraid to show my true self, but I am terrified of rejection and being ridiculed. I am someone who doesn't care what people think of me, but am constantly wondering what people are thinking about me. I am someone whose biggest hope and greatest fear is to accomplish something. I want to be significant in this world. I want to make a change, but I have no idea how and I have no idea how to even get there.
I am someone that loves to be a mother but wakes up every morning fearing that I am ruining my child's life. I am someone who loves passionately. I love my husband and daughter and dog with all my heart. I love all my friends no matter how far away they are. I love my parents and siblings til no end. But with all that passion for good, I also hate passionately. I hate the word hate, but I do in fact hate people. Ot as I like to say, "dislike passionately". I dislike so many people like that, that if they just touch me I cringe and die a little inside. I honestly hate that about me. I am someone who doesn't like to curse and doesn't like when others curse as well.
I am someone that tries so hard to be a good person, but finds it so hard to do. I am someone who wishes she were Mother Teresa or someone just as saintlike. I am an envious person, the green0eyed monster forever lives in my heart telling what it doesn't have and deeply desires. I am a greedy person, but not even myself knows it. I wish I can give, but I never have anything to give.
I am someone that would give the clothes of my back to my neighbor is to afraid to do for what others may think.
I am someone who tells myself mantras throughout the day so that I can get through it. I truly believe that if you believe you have self-confidence then you do. I am still waiting for that self-confidence. I am someone that thinks the worse of myself. I believe I am a terrible mother, wife, student, etc. Yet, at the same time I praise myself on every little accomplishment.
I am a complicated someone that half of the time doesn't know who she is, but truly believes I know who I am like the back of my hand (where did that thing go....)
I am me, and as much as I don't like me I stuck with me. The most I could is give myself a try.

trying to please the mind

Picture This...
You're walking through a crowded library. You're thinking about why this stupid cold still hasn't gone away and how you can't breathe. All of a sudden you notice that your eyes haven't stopped checking people out, and without even knowing it your mind has been registering this information from the beginning. You decide to give your mind what it wants and pay attention to what other people are doing. You begin to people watch.
-That girl to your left has on some really nice shoes, but those jeans definitely do not look good.
-The man to your right looks a little sad, but has AWESOME hair.
-The other man that just passed you without even checking you out is totally not worth it anyways. Even if it does look like you has a great bod.
-The girl reading the same book you did just 5 minutes ago looks like an old friend.
-That little kids look adorable in his little man vest. Odd though since it's definitely not cold outside or inside.
-I wonder if that woman with the kids still has sex with her husband, she looks sexually frustrated to me.
-hmmm....I wonder if that guy is checking me out. Totally cool.
-ugh, I can't people watch anymore this is so stupid. I just want to go home and lay down and forget I'm sick and have a kid whoch is recovering from being sick and hubby who still is sick.
-sorry brain, i like observing my downfalls better. than other peoples downfalls

a country song

I was asked to dance last night by a boy who wasn't my husband. That was one of the most awkward experiences of my life. I know what you're probably thinking, but I've never been asked to dance by some random boy I had never known. Actually, I don't think I've ever been asked to dance by any boy. I didn't so much get asked to dance as if the boy could teach me to dance. Look, let me explain something to you all. I definitely know how to dance. I can booty dance, I can rave, I can salsa, meringue, and a little chaha; I can even dance to 80's music (running man and all). But I've never lined dance before.

Last night my friend invited D and I to this place called the Round Up. It's a Western Bar in Davie, FL. It was so much fun. More than half of the night we all looked like fools trying to catch up with the line dancing. There was dance my friend knew and it was because the DJ puts that type of dance on every few songs. It's called the Country ChaCha. I know the dance. I do! But for the same life of me there's this one step that throws me off. And since the one step gets me all befuddled I can't do the rest of the dance.

So, during one of the Chacha's this boy comes up behind me, grabs my hands and says, "Want me to teach you to dance it?” I look up at him doe-eyed and speechless, gave a little smile; which I guess means, "Yes", because next thing I knew he had his arm around my waist teaching me the dance. Now, I know I could have very easily said no and the whole time I felt guilty because that boy was not my man. But, can you honestly blame a 21-year-old girl of not knowing how to respond when a boy asks her to dance when she's never been asked? I know; it's still a lame excuse.

That boy made my night. I know it's so vain and selfish and superficial and shallow. But knowing that I was still wanted by someone truly made me feel nice. Sometimes I wonder (and I say this to D all the time) that what if we hadn't had S, and what if we broke up...would I have ever gotten another boyfriend? I tell him all the time that I don't think I would have because he was my first boyfriend and I was 15 turning 16. He was the first one I ever truly kissed without it being from Truth or Dare or anything of the like. He's the only I was intimate with (both mentally and physically). He was the only boy I ever had sex with and that was 3 years into our relationship. I really don't think I would have been able to find another boyfriend. I mean, I can't even find friends. He says he thinks so because he thinks I'm confident which is a huge plus. But I'm not truly confident. I have good self-esteem, I always haves, but I'm never really been self-confident.

I was telling him last night that every time we go out anywhere it always feels like it’s just the two of us in the whole place. It gives me the self-confidence. With him I dance the way I want to dance. I laugh as loud as I want. I don't care if I make a fool of myself. Why? Because he's the only one for me and I know he'll love me no matter how ridiculous I am. I can be me anywhere I go because of him.

That boy yesterday was a blessing. He helped me realize that I'm not stuck (sometimes I do feel as I am). That boy helped me see that D truly is the right man for me. I don't mean in terms of love, because honestly that term really is for fairytales. I mean in the sense that D provides for me, maintains me, and respects me. He does everything a good primordial spouse should do. And that's our love. And that's why I love him.

So thank you again Boy at Round Up for asking me to dance. You taught me that I am still attractive to the opposite sex, you taught me I am not only a mother and wife, you taught me that D IS my husband. Most importantly, Boy at the Round Up, you taught that even though one has self-esteem doesn't mean they have self-confidence and that's something I need to work on.

potpourri - don't you just LOVE that word?

As usual, my mind is all over the person where i can't seem to just write about one thing. I didn't want to write without it being consistent, but then I'd be depriving all of you (yes all TWO)of knowing the real me.

23rd of March, 2010 at 12:27 am
Right now I’m sitting on the toilet writing in my very own, brand new laptop. I have wanted one of these since before I graduated from high school; since they came out practically. You see; this laptop isn't just an ordinary laptop that just anyone gets. This laptop it touch screen. It's the Lenovo s10 3t tablet PC. Do you know what that means? I have been waiting for this laptop so that I may write on it...I mean in it as if it were one of my journals. I have wanted this laptop for the sole purpose of being able to write. The thing is I consider myself a writer. I've been writing in journals since I can remember. I kept a consistent journal all 4 years of high school. I was going to do the same in college, but the first year of college was too difficult for me to write down and relive everything that I felt. I started to keep one about my daughter, but again, there were a lot of painful memories. I know writing is supposed to be a tool to help with emotions and actually, in high school it was. But the troubles in high school were not as painful and deep as the ones in college and being a new mother.

That morning, but the next day... thinking I lost previous entry. 1:13 AM
 I’m sitting here in class with my laptop. I wish I knew what to write because right now there's nothing i can think of to write about. I've been waiting for this laptop for such a long time. I've been imagining all these things to do with it. To draw, to write stories and poems, to create SOMETHING. Now, I actually have it in my hands and...nothing.
I wanted it to be able to save paper to not continue to waste money on journals and to not waste my planet’s resources for selfish reasons. But what do I write? Maybe I could keep a journal, or maybe i can transcribe all my little novels. I probably will do both. But when? When will I get over my excitement and just start? Maybe with this I will be able to start now. Ok. Let me start with folders...

25th of March, 2010.10:57 PM
The facts of life are just as they seem. WE breathe, we eat, and we live. WE live. Those are powerful words, right? I mean what does it mean that "we live"? How does one live? By simply breathing and nourishing ourselves with what we absolutely need? Then again, don't we need other things that aren't biological? Sometimes, I wonder how simple life truly is. I know everyone says life is complicated, but is it truly?
My thoughts are as confused as this entry....

26th of March, 2010. 10:31 AM
Sometimes it is difficult to understand certain things in life. Sometimes it's hard to truly believe that a God exists when there's so much hate and suffering. But like all good Christians we always respond, "Without suffering there's no compassion". I've always believed and I think no matter I always will.
I haven't been the best Christian since I got pregnant, but I don't think I'm a bad one. It's just hard for me to feel accepted within one of the most judgmental societies out there. How can I go to Church with a 2 year old daughter? I know God doesn't judge, but people do. And they're the ones you interact with in Church. I remember in school we used to always ask our Religion teacher why Church was so important, and she used to say "We need to go to Church because we need to experience God as a community" She used to say that although receiving communion was important, it wasn't as important as learning how to be with a community and bonding with it. This sounds all nice and dandy, but how can I be accepted by them if I did what they hate the most? Fornication, child out of wedlock, still not married under God; still fornicating....I mean what is one to do?
I wish I could find a Church that didn't judge me, that wouldn't ask me to repent that sin of fornicating. Because honestly, I don't regret ever having sex with D. If I never would have had sex with him, if we wouldn't have been so careless and naive, S would have never been born and who would I be? I wouldn't be the determined woman I am right now. I wouldn't be as independent I am now. I wouldn't be as mature, as nurturing, as good as a mother I am now. I don't think I could've been a better mother at a later age, because I am trying so hard to prove something. I'm on top of my daughter and her eating habits and her intellectual development because I want to prove to my mother that I can do it, just like she did. I don't think either one of us would be the moms we are now if we didn't pregnant at such a young age...

the tide

the tide rushes in
i feel your hand on my leg.
the waves crash against the sand
i feel our hearts beat in time

the water licks our toes
as i feel your hand creep higher.
the sound of the waves pulling back
makes me breathe harder.

i feel your hand over my stomach
as the tide comes in
i feel it over my heart
as the waves crash against the sand.

i feel your lips on my throat
as the water licks our toes.
i feel you within me
as the sound of the waves pull back.

with each coming wave
i feel you cum.
with each receding wave
i feel myself let go.

our bodies moving like
the to-and-fro of the water.
our bodies moving like
the carelessness of the waves.

i feel our heart beats calm
as the tide pulls back.
i feel our heart beats calm
as we head back home.

a fairytale?

In this one blog, I can't remember the name but on the side she had a "sticker" that said something like, "We're so fairytale, it makes people sick". I've always believed that about my hubby and I except that it never made anyone feel sick. My friends, especially, my high school friends that saw us grow into each other since 10th grade, LOVE that we're still together and that we're successful despite everything that's happened.
It makes me happy that they're genuinely happy for us. I love them for that, for always being sincere. I think that's why it's been so hard for me to make friends, because I compare every new person to my high school friends. I wasn't necessarily super close to them, but we do talk and I know for a fact that I can rely on them for anything. I trust them not only with my life, but my baby's life as well. That's how awesome they are.
I also read in facebook someone put in their status update, "Good friends are like star. You don't always see them but know they're always there". And this is so true for my high school friends. They're not even that, they're my sisters.
I've grown up with most of them since I first moved to Nicaragua when i was 7 turning 8. My closest one of all practically lived me and she will always hold a special place in my heart. Actually, it's not fair for me to say she's my closest friend, because each one of those girls hold a place in my heart that is special and unique. these girls helped shape who I am. And I hope that they'd say the same thing about me. Right now, becasue I'm feeling so nostalgic, I'm going to share anecdotes about each one. By the end of this you all are probably going to want to call your BFFs. lol
The first one I'll share is about H. There's so many stories with her that I don't know which one to choose, but the one I always share is the one I'll describe now. WE were in the 5th grade and since the 3rd grade I had been hearing about this girl who was BFFs when my then BFF. Naturally, I was jealous and disliked this unknown girl. Then one day I walk out of class and I see these group of girls, including my BFF, surrounding someone. I peek and I knew instantly it was H. I wanted to turn away and cry, but I didn't. I decided to play nice, so I managed to walk up to her and say, "I love that icecream. Isn't delicious? especially the middle caramel part, it's my favorite part!" (she was eating ice cream btw). She turn to look at me with her flaming red hair and sed, "You want it? I can never finish things!" From that moment we were fast friends.

My next friend is one I made the moment she walked into the 5th grade classroom. I always seemed to empathize with the newcomers so I always befriended them. Anyways, we were already friends for a while. I was at her house and I asked her if I could talk to her about something. It was the second time I had my period and I had been experiencing some technical difficulties. so, I asked her, "When you get out of the shower, how do you manage NOT to dirty the towel? The maids keep getting mad at me, becasue I leave it all bloody." She replied simply, "I use toilet paper. It's easier that way and you can make sure you're dry." It was so enlightening that I've always loved her for it. Then she sed, "you know if you ever need anything, you can always ask me. I love helping out people, and I want to be here for you." Mind you, this girl was a month younger than me, yet she's always had the wisdom of a mature, middle-aged woman. I will never forget those last set of words, because I did rely on her a lot even she didn't know it.

this next and last girl is one I am fortunate enough to see more frequently than the previous two. I met her in the 8th grade. That year we were bombarded with new girls, but this one was the one I became friends with. I want to share a very recent story about her but I'm not sure how she'd like it if every knew. So, instead I'll share this one. She was about to leave to Fl in a few days so she invited me to her grandfather's farm. we horsebacked, we walked around, we told each other stories, we played pretend. We acted like little kids and it was so wonderful. It's what childhood should be like. Well, they were dropping me off and I had promised myself not to cry. I don't cry often anyways so I thought it wouldn't be hard. WEll, next I know she walks me to the gate of my house, I turn to give her a hug, and I start crying my eyes out. I was so distraught because she was leaving me. She hugged me back and said, "Don't cry, K. We're still talk and we'll write letters and call. I always come visit." I hugged her tighter and gave her a kiss on the cheek and walked into my house. It's a sad story to tell, but the thing is with her, J, we only had one year together. The rest of our friendship has been through phones, letters, or e-mail. And the rare visit. Somehow, though our friendship maintained and it has never been awkward with us. NEVER. WE pick up right where we left off as if the last time we saw each other was the day before. For that she will always be a part of my life becasue it's been almost 10 years of a long distance friendship and we're still sisters.

I have more friends that are just wonderful. and each one should be recognized, but by then I'd be mentioning my whole class. lol. I say give all your BFFs and sisters big hugs today becasue without those girls we'd be nothing.