I'm feeling pretty good right about now. Yesterday was a just a day for me to wallow and get upset at everyone. I have days where I just need to dig up a hole within the darkest part of my soul and stay there. It feels nice to be able to do that. I don't know why, but every so often when I do that I feel ten times better afterwards.
When i was younger I used to just lock myself in my room, turn the lights down and play my music in the background. I would play all the sad songs I can think of on the piano or write incessantly in my diary. When I would finally emerge from the living dead I would feel rejuvenated and refreshed. It's like if I was in the process of molting or something.
I just want to comment about yesterday's blog and the whole thing with my dad. I would hate if you all thought my dad was the awful, ungrateful person. He isn't, at all. He's actually a pretty great dad. He takes what I say seriously, especially if it's about stuff I've studied in school. He looks at me like a professional in psychology (my major, BTW) and will frequently ask me questions on the topic. My dad is a renaissance man and is extremely fun to talk to. He doesn't take himself too seriously and really knows how to love, considering he never received much love. His greatest accomplishments are his kids. I've always been able to talk to my dad about anything, and I mean anything. He doesn't get angry often, but when he does he does. My dad has many flaws and one of them is what happened the other day. When he's angry he wants to hurt people emotionally. He doesn't know it sometimes, but he does do it. What's different this time is that he apologized for it, which he's never done up front. I think the reason he did apologize though was because I stood up for myself this time and told him to his face everything I was thinking. I think that and my age made him realize what he said.
The fact that he said sorry, says a lot of him. It says he knows when he's wrong and not many people can do that.
So, I ask you readers (all 10 of you who I love), to not think of him in a bad light. Don't judge him on yesterday's post only.
Tomorrow I'll share a little story about us with you all. Biting your nails in anticipation? You should be, it's a good one.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Potpourri of downers...Wallow is my new friend.
There's many things I could write about today. Actually, the reason for not posting anything yesterday was becasue I had too much to write about. I know I've already done a post like this, but this is my problem; either I'll post too many posts a day, or I won't post anything at all. It's so hard for me to only pick one. Today, I've decided I'm just going to write everything in my head. Let's see how that goes.
...Great now I have nothing to write..oh wait..here they come, ready, set......GO!
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2 days ago I started feeling this little pinch on my lower eyelid where the eyelashes are. I usually feel this little pinch when I wore too much eye make-up the previous night and didn't wash it off (I know, a major NO NO, but laziness always kicks in). Anyways, I didn't think anything of it, because usually after I wash the make-up off and pay extra attention to the area where I feel the pinch it miraculously goes away when I wake up the next morning. Nope, not this time. Of course,right? I mean I have enough with Horace, but now Natasha has to come along and actually stay. (Love how I personify my pains?) I thought that since it stayed it might be conjunctivitis, but it isn't. Or at least I think it isn't because my eye hasn't turned pink and no eye gunk has come gushing out. But today's is the...(counts in head, 1, 2, 3??) I guess 3rd day. IDK I lose track of pain and illnesses. Anyways it's been a while since I've had it, but am feeling too lazy to go to urgentcare. I would prefer to go to MY eyedoctor, but he's ALL the way in Nicaragua! That visit would be way to expensive, and unfortunately I don't have EYE insurance. So, I guess...... (thought ends here. on to next one)
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I am EXTREMELY cranky this morning. I had a huge fight with my dad yesterday and felt SUPER underappreciated. I didn't want to wake up this morning and do what I know I had to do, but of course, I had no choice right? See the thing is that my dad sends a lot of stuff to my house ( BTW, the parental units don't live here, they live in Nicaragua) and I usually send those stuff with other people who are going to Nicaragua. This was no exception. The problem was the most important package was too big to fit in any suitcase I, or anyone else i know, owns. I went to Walmart last night to look for another suitcase, but there weren't any big enough. I come home to tell my dad and he gets angry with me like if I failed. FYI, I'm that type of daughter that is forever trying to prove herself to her parents, no matter what. So, having my dad basically tell me I failed, hurt a lot. I went to bed angry, which of course is something you should NEVER do, and I woke up angry. I was just so angry because I do everything he asks of me without complaining. I've never told him no, I always go to places he tells me to go to get him things. A lot of times I've had to put my own money and deposit it in his bank account. (of course he pays back, but when running on budgets you know it's hard to take out $200 when you don't really have it). I do a lot, but like I've told him in the past I don't mind doing all this for him and my mom, because they are my parents and they've done so much for me. They didn't HAVE to be good parents, they chose to be. They didn't have to feed me, cloth me, love me, etc. Honestly, they didn't. They chose to take responsibility of me and be good parents. I will forever be indebted to them, the least I could do is run-arounds for them and cough up money, right? I said this much to my dad last night and he just said good night to cut me off.
I wake up this morning deciding I was going to to hit the mall as soon as it opened to get a suitcase big enough for the important package. I did just that, I got S ready and we went to the mall, despite the fact that it was naptime for her. I came back, packed the suitcase and waited for someone to come pick it up. I did what was asked of me. Maybe some day my parents will realize how great I am...My mom used to joke around and say, "what? do you want a parade or something?" and thinking about it now, after 21 years of trying to prove myself and having a baby out of wedlock and at a young age and I'm still managing to graduate on time with not only a major, but a minor and with SUPER good grades? Yes, I think I deserve a parade from them. I don't want them singing my praises to their friends, I won't them to sing it to ME.
AFTERTHOUGHT: I just check my e-mail and my dad sent me an apology saying that there's no excuse for what he said last night and that he is grateful that I do so much for them without complaining.
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I haven't eat all day and decided, even though I'm not hungry, that I was going to heat me up some vegan Kashi. I was actually savoring it when I decided this and then I look inn the freezer and guess what? IT"S GONE!! I de-de-de-definitely did NOT eat, but I know who did. The hubby's grandmother lives with us and for the past weak she's been eating lean cuisine's. She probably got confused and ate mine, instead. =( I was so looking forward to that dish.
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Tonight is the last night the hubby's grandmother is going to be here. She leaves to nicaragua for 2 months. this means I won't have a built-in babysitter for that long. It feels kind of nice when we can just go to the movies or dinner and just leave the monitor with her, but now we actually have to find a sitter the old-fashioned way. You know with bribing of pizza and beer or video games, or music. the hubby and I, both, have plenty of family and they are all capable of babysitting, I just hate asking.
I don't really like to ask for help, especially if people to ask for my help. I feel like if I'm using them, and I like to give help, instead of receive. So, so long to planned spontaneity!
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Sorry, today's post was a bit of a downer. I'm sipping delicious grande caramel macchiato with soy coffee, and listening to super mellow, dope-smoking (minus the MJ) music, and just wallowing in my sadness. Who doesn't like to wallow?
...Great now I have nothing to write..oh wait..here they come, ready, set......GO!
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2 days ago I started feeling this little pinch on my lower eyelid where the eyelashes are. I usually feel this little pinch when I wore too much eye make-up the previous night and didn't wash it off (I know, a major NO NO, but laziness always kicks in). Anyways, I didn't think anything of it, because usually after I wash the make-up off and pay extra attention to the area where I feel the pinch it miraculously goes away when I wake up the next morning. Nope, not this time. Of course,right? I mean I have enough with Horace, but now Natasha has to come along and actually stay. (Love how I personify my pains?) I thought that since it stayed it might be conjunctivitis, but it isn't. Or at least I think it isn't because my eye hasn't turned pink and no eye gunk has come gushing out. But today's is the...(counts in head, 1, 2, 3??) I guess 3rd day. IDK I lose track of pain and illnesses. Anyways it's been a while since I've had it, but am feeling too lazy to go to urgentcare. I would prefer to go to MY eyedoctor, but he's ALL the way in Nicaragua! That visit would be way to expensive, and unfortunately I don't have EYE insurance. So, I guess...... (thought ends here. on to next one)
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I am EXTREMELY cranky this morning. I had a huge fight with my dad yesterday and felt SUPER underappreciated. I didn't want to wake up this morning and do what I know I had to do, but of course, I had no choice right? See the thing is that my dad sends a lot of stuff to my house ( BTW, the parental units don't live here, they live in Nicaragua) and I usually send those stuff with other people who are going to Nicaragua. This was no exception. The problem was the most important package was too big to fit in any suitcase I, or anyone else i know, owns. I went to Walmart last night to look for another suitcase, but there weren't any big enough. I come home to tell my dad and he gets angry with me like if I failed. FYI, I'm that type of daughter that is forever trying to prove herself to her parents, no matter what. So, having my dad basically tell me I failed, hurt a lot. I went to bed angry, which of course is something you should NEVER do, and I woke up angry. I was just so angry because I do everything he asks of me without complaining. I've never told him no, I always go to places he tells me to go to get him things. A lot of times I've had to put my own money and deposit it in his bank account. (of course he pays back, but when running on budgets you know it's hard to take out $200 when you don't really have it). I do a lot, but like I've told him in the past I don't mind doing all this for him and my mom, because they are my parents and they've done so much for me. They didn't HAVE to be good parents, they chose to be. They didn't have to feed me, cloth me, love me, etc. Honestly, they didn't. They chose to take responsibility of me and be good parents. I will forever be indebted to them, the least I could do is run-arounds for them and cough up money, right? I said this much to my dad last night and he just said good night to cut me off.
I wake up this morning deciding I was going to to hit the mall as soon as it opened to get a suitcase big enough for the important package. I did just that, I got S ready and we went to the mall, despite the fact that it was naptime for her. I came back, packed the suitcase and waited for someone to come pick it up. I did what was asked of me. Maybe some day my parents will realize how great I am...My mom used to joke around and say, "what? do you want a parade or something?" and thinking about it now, after 21 years of trying to prove myself and having a baby out of wedlock and at a young age and I'm still managing to graduate on time with not only a major, but a minor and with SUPER good grades? Yes, I think I deserve a parade from them. I don't want them singing my praises to their friends, I won't them to sing it to ME.
AFTERTHOUGHT: I just check my e-mail and my dad sent me an apology saying that there's no excuse for what he said last night and that he is grateful that I do so much for them without complaining.
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I haven't eat all day and decided, even though I'm not hungry, that I was going to heat me up some vegan Kashi. I was actually savoring it when I decided this and then I look inn the freezer and guess what? IT"S GONE!! I de-de-de-definitely did NOT eat, but I know who did. The hubby's grandmother lives with us and for the past weak she's been eating lean cuisine's. She probably got confused and ate mine, instead. =( I was so looking forward to that dish.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tonight is the last night the hubby's grandmother is going to be here. She leaves to nicaragua for 2 months. this means I won't have a built-in babysitter for that long. It feels kind of nice when we can just go to the movies or dinner and just leave the monitor with her, but now we actually have to find a sitter the old-fashioned way. You know with bribing of pizza and beer or video games, or music. the hubby and I, both, have plenty of family and they are all capable of babysitting, I just hate asking.
I don't really like to ask for help, especially if people to ask for my help. I feel like if I'm using them, and I like to give help, instead of receive. So, so long to planned spontaneity!
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Sorry, today's post was a bit of a downer. I'm sipping delicious grande caramel macchiato with soy coffee, and listening to super mellow, dope-smoking (minus the MJ) music, and just wallowing in my sadness. Who doesn't like to wallow?
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
gross!
I am a constant sufferer of ingrown toenails. If You don't know what that it is when a little tiny-itsy-bitsy piece of toenail decides to grown INTO the skin of your toe. I don't know why this tiny piece of toenail, let's call him Horace...I don't know why Horace likes to do this to me, but he does. He goes away eventually, but he ALWAYS comes back.
Well, he came back to his most favorite spot, my big toe. I ignored him at first because he was only a baby, but then he turned into a full grown man on steroids. I keep thinking that I got rid of him, but he reproduced, and the creature that came out of Horace is something that will make your skin crawl in the middle of the night. Now, I don't exactly know the same of his offspring, because usually when I get rid of him he takes everything with him.
I don't think I'm going to have to hire a hitman to get rid of the creature!
Wanna see a picture? It's pretty, his creature offspring is. Alright, I'll put a link instead: http://twitpic.com/p0e5y
Ok, this is seriously not for the faint of heart so don't dare copy+paste that sucka if you won't be able to handle it.
Well, he came back to his most favorite spot, my big toe. I ignored him at first because he was only a baby, but then he turned into a full grown man on steroids. I keep thinking that I got rid of him, but he reproduced, and the creature that came out of Horace is something that will make your skin crawl in the middle of the night. Now, I don't exactly know the same of his offspring, because usually when I get rid of him he takes everything with him.
I don't think I'm going to have to hire a hitman to get rid of the creature!
Wanna see a picture? It's pretty, his creature offspring is. Alright, I'll put a link instead: http://twitpic.com/p0e5y
Ok, this is seriously not for the faint of heart so don't dare copy+paste that sucka if you won't be able to handle it.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
miffed
WARNING: the following content was written by my 13-year-old self. So, please excuse the lack of intelligence and maturity.
So, like, da other day I was readin this book. It's called Tempted & it's part of the House of Night Series by P.C. & Kristen Cast. Well, anyways, I've been, like, waiting 4eva 4 this 6th book 2 come out & guess how many pages it like has? 187! Seriously, like WTF.
I'm there tryin 2 read this book & like it gets betta & betta but neva reaches its climax. & then all of a sudden it finally does & guess what? It just ends. WTF! IDK, i think it's like a total ripoff to write half a book, keep your readers biting their fingers, (cuz' there's like no nails left to bite), & wait 4 da next book which will prob be only 187 pages too. Ugh!
So, like, da other day I was readin this book. It's called Tempted & it's part of the House of Night Series by P.C. & Kristen Cast. Well, anyways, I've been, like, waiting 4eva 4 this 6th book 2 come out & guess how many pages it like has? 187! Seriously, like WTF.
I'm there tryin 2 read this book & like it gets betta & betta but neva reaches its climax. & then all of a sudden it finally does & guess what? It just ends. WTF! IDK, i think it's like a total ripoff to write half a book, keep your readers biting their fingers, (cuz' there's like no nails left to bite), & wait 4 da next book which will prob be only 187 pages too. Ugh!
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
bizarrely happy
too much has happened today, but weirdly I'm in an extremely good mood. I didn't get to run today, which sucked. My baby was sick, but was forced to go to school because I had assignments to turn in and I had to meet with my frat. I get home and she keeps getting high fevers (102-104.9!!!!). At that point (when she reached 104.9) we decided to take her to urgent care. Bleh, not fun. They were nice, and quick, but it was boring and it's not the same as seeing your own ped.
Ok, before I continue, S (my almost two year old) as an inexplicable fear for anything doctor related. She doesn't like hospitals, doctor offices, anything of the sort. Now, I've NEVER showed her fear or anxiety when going to the doctor or hospital, which is why her fear is inexplicable. Anyways, whenever we go see the doctor the first thing she does is give him a kiss, tell him she loves him, and says bye. I think that she thinks that by being nice he won't touch her. Unfortunately, that's never the case. =(
Well, while in urgent care every official that walked in to check her she would proceed to do what she does with the doctor. even though she was kicking and screaming and almost biting those who had to touch her, their just melted when she would say bye. My daughter has CHARISMA! Maybe she'll be like Jasper from the Twilight Saga.
Well, that made me happy, because even though she was sick and feeling just plain awful she was still trying to be polite and sweet. It made me happy that she's such a trooper.
And right now as I'm typing she's trying so hard to get my attention. She keeps grabbing my hands and oputting them around her waist.
AHHH, ok I she's been impossibly, obnoxiously adorable with her shameless begging.
Good night!
Ok, before I continue, S (my almost two year old) as an inexplicable fear for anything doctor related. She doesn't like hospitals, doctor offices, anything of the sort. Now, I've NEVER showed her fear or anxiety when going to the doctor or hospital, which is why her fear is inexplicable. Anyways, whenever we go see the doctor the first thing she does is give him a kiss, tell him she loves him, and says bye. I think that she thinks that by being nice he won't touch her. Unfortunately, that's never the case. =(
Well, while in urgent care every official that walked in to check her she would proceed to do what she does with the doctor. even though she was kicking and screaming and almost biting those who had to touch her, their just melted when she would say bye. My daughter has CHARISMA! Maybe she'll be like Jasper from the Twilight Saga.
Well, that made me happy, because even though she was sick and feeling just plain awful she was still trying to be polite and sweet. It made me happy that she's such a trooper.
And right now as I'm typing she's trying so hard to get my attention. She keeps grabbing my hands and oputting them around her waist.
AHHH, ok I she's been impossibly, obnoxiously adorable with her shameless begging.
Good night!
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Man oh Man!
Man oh man! Things are finally coming together and it's a little scary. For about 2 months I have been putting myself out there to get into a lab. As a psych major I can't only stop with a bachelor's degree. Of course I need to AT LEAST get a masters. But then again that isn't enough either. Anyways, in order to get into a good graduate school with good grants and scholarships, I just recently learned, I have to become part of a lab. Ugh! Supoosedly it has to be a research lab, but I figure if I'm going for a PsiD and not a PhD, then it should look better if I'm actually doing something practical and not theoritical.
Well, like I was saying, I've been e-mailing every reserach lab in my school. And let me tell you there's a lot. I've been selling my shamelessly for the past 2 months, re-emailing all those labs over and over again. I'm honestly shocked they haven't sent an e-mail just to say, "Cool it ok! We're not going to consider you because you're a senior!". But they won't even send me that. BTW it's hard to get into labs if you're already senior because they want someone who can at least give up their life for 2 years.
Well, I've been badgering one of my professors because I learned he was part of YDP (youth development project). He told me to contact this other woman, AG. I've been trying to contact her, but of course, she never responded any of my e-mails. So, i decided to continue to bug my prof until he caved and actually spoke to AG about me specifically. Well, on monday he did just that! Right now she just e-mailed me saying she has something I can do, and probably more. EEEEEPPP!!! But now , i don't know if I can do it.
This would mean that my almost 2-year-old would have to be in daycare almost full time. Since I've become pregnant, my dad has constantly told me, "Do what's best for you now. You don't know what can happen, you can only guess. But you need to do what's best for you, your daughter, and your family...NOW". I've been trying to take his advice to heart, but as a psych major I know that the way she grows up will affect how she is as an adult. I would hate it if she went to therapy and the therapist told her that she's acting the way she's acting because of my parenting skills (or lack thereof).
I know LOTS of kids grow up in daycare, but my family is very Hispanic, and we believe in raising our kids at home. And even with all the positive research there is about kids who go to daycare before PK, they still say that nothing beats growing up with your mom/dad at home. They may stumble a little when they go to PK because most of the other kids are probably more advanced academically, but they'll excel socially and (alter on) cognitively because they'll be more secure. I'm more worried about that. I'm not much of a social butterfly, actually I think I'm socially impaired.And I would hate it if she were to suffer as much as I did in school because of it.
IDK, I hate making decisions. I feel like one little slip and the whole world will come crashing down on me.
Well, like I was saying, I've been e-mailing every reserach lab in my school. And let me tell you there's a lot. I've been selling my shamelessly for the past 2 months, re-emailing all those labs over and over again. I'm honestly shocked they haven't sent an e-mail just to say, "Cool it ok! We're not going to consider you because you're a senior!". But they won't even send me that. BTW it's hard to get into labs if you're already senior because they want someone who can at least give up their life for 2 years.
Well, I've been badgering one of my professors because I learned he was part of YDP (youth development project). He told me to contact this other woman, AG. I've been trying to contact her, but of course, she never responded any of my e-mails. So, i decided to continue to bug my prof until he caved and actually spoke to AG about me specifically. Well, on monday he did just that! Right now she just e-mailed me saying she has something I can do, and probably more. EEEEEPPP!!! But now , i don't know if I can do it.
This would mean that my almost 2-year-old would have to be in daycare almost full time. Since I've become pregnant, my dad has constantly told me, "Do what's best for you now. You don't know what can happen, you can only guess. But you need to do what's best for you, your daughter, and your family...NOW". I've been trying to take his advice to heart, but as a psych major I know that the way she grows up will affect how she is as an adult. I would hate it if she went to therapy and the therapist told her that she's acting the way she's acting because of my parenting skills (or lack thereof).
I know LOTS of kids grow up in daycare, but my family is very Hispanic, and we believe in raising our kids at home. And even with all the positive research there is about kids who go to daycare before PK, they still say that nothing beats growing up with your mom/dad at home. They may stumble a little when they go to PK because most of the other kids are probably more advanced academically, but they'll excel socially and (alter on) cognitively because they'll be more secure. I'm more worried about that. I'm not much of a social butterfly, actually I think I'm socially impaired.And I would hate it if she were to suffer as much as I did in school because of it.
IDK, I hate making decisions. I feel like one little slip and the whole world will come crashing down on me.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
gurggle
OMG, I seemed to have lost my brain!
I looked under the desk,
behind the fridge,
above the mantle
to the side of the couch.
Where did I put it?
Where oh where is my brain?
I looked under the bed,
behind the dresser,
in the toilet,
out in the balcony.
Where did it go?
If I don't have a brain then I can't look for it!.
OMG, what am I going to do?
Where oh where did my little brain go?
I need to find it soon!
Lest I become a baboon!!
I looked under the desk,
behind the fridge,
above the mantle
to the side of the couch.
Where did I put it?
Where oh where is my brain?
I looked under the bed,
behind the dresser,
in the toilet,
out in the balcony.
Where did it go?
If I don't have a brain then I can't look for it!.
OMG, what am I going to do?
Where oh where did my little brain go?
I need to find it soon!
Lest I become a baboon!!
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