IDK my BFF Jill...wait what BFF??

Even though I'm back, I feel a bit out of place. Like if my body isn't fully here or there or anywhere. I wish I could write happier posts for everyone, I wish I could be all gay and joyful, I wish I could describe to you all the happy things there are in my life, because luckily there are plenty. Unfortunately what consumes every space and crevice of my mind are the tortured parts of my soul: my insecurities, what I wish I had or didn't have, my discomforts, my anxieties. I've come to understand that I wouldn't be me, an anomaly to the human world, if I didn't feel all these things. If I had friends I wouldn't be who I am either. I can't say I'd be better or worse, I just wouldn't be me.

Most people go through life trying to figure out who they are and what's their purpose in this world. Because I've been so intuned to the Universe and God and just people around me I've known who I am for a long time; I've known what my purpose is for a while. So, as you can see, my problem is not figuring out who I am, but figuring out how to share myself with others. 

I'm a shy person, but certainly not insecure. I'm mostly shy because I don't want others to feel uncomfortable. I sometimes say things or express myself in ways that aren't normal to others. I say what I'm feeling and I'm honest. Not blunt, because I feel being blunt as a bad connotation, but I'm definitely a more vulnerable honest. I let people know when I'm sad or angry. This makes people uncomfortable because they never know how to react to me.

I mean, how would you react to someone who actually, truthfully answered, "How are you?". I mean why ask if you don't really want to know. I'm not good with small talk at all. I either don't talk or I tell you everything. 

This, people, is my problem. Or my only insecurity I guess. Will I ever find people, or MORE people, who like me for me? Or want to continue being my friend even after a class? IDK, but I sure hope so.

Once upon a time there lived a little girl who decided that maybe what she was setting out to do was not the right thing. She began to get very sick and depressed. No matter how much wine or other forms of hard liquor, she couldn't get her head straight....

Ok, I'm just kidding. I'm not that little girl. But I have been wondering how sure I am about the path I'm on. I'm graduating in 7 weeks with a BA in Psychology and a Minor in Religion. I am more than a little nervous. I don't know why, but I am scared CACALESS about this whole graduation thing. I have major senioritis and I'm really terrified of not being accepted into the grad program I'm apllying in a month. What if they DON'T accept me? That's a little nerve-wrecking especially considering that I think this grad program. The way I've gotten through most things is that I just tell myself "What happens...happens. And they happen for a reason". I hate this whole waiting game. I'm not very good with patience. I deal better with the now and the pressure of deadlines and what not. I think that's why I want to go postdoctorate. I know funny, right? considering since I've barely finished my undergrad. I can see myself, though, going back to school after everything and maybe even becoming a professor.

Sorry about the babbling, but this is how my head has been lately, actually a little worse conisdering i think about 100 other things.

oh selfish heart

oh! the spells of love
how they twist and twine
and stab our hearts.

the agony
the bliss
the wind that sweeps
our hearts
up and about.

the feeling of no
solid gorund.
the despair of crashing into it.

Why do hearts
fall into another?
So quickly?
So thoroughly?

For this reason
my love,
my heart, shall always be yours.
Now and forever
for if we were
to part
it'd come back to me
wounded,
bloody,
and batter.

For my heart's
sake.
I shall always love
you.

i'm here, i've returned!

For a while I was deciding of just deleting my blog account because i haven't been able to write anything for so long. My mojo is coming back, but very slowly. I feel like a person has lost the ability to move one of her limbs and then needs to go to therapy to learn how to move again. It's slow and painful and humiliating. So, right now I am learning to get my mojo back, to use it properly and to exercise it everyday.

Right now there are two quotes I'm living by. One of them I got from a book and the author of that quote is the famous German poet Rainer Maria Rilke and the other i invented. even though it's not true to my life for some reason it sparks inside me.

“‘I am alone in the world, and yet not alone enough to make each hour holy. I am
lowly in this world, and yet not lowly enough for me to be just a thing to you, dark and shrewd. I want my will and I want to go with my will as it
moves towards action. And I want, in those silent, somehow
faltering times, to be with someone who knows, or else alone. I want to reflect everything about you, and I never want to be too blind or too
ancient to keep your profound wavering image with me. I want to unfold. I don’t want to be folded anywhere, because there, where I’m folded, I
am a lie.’

 

"The truth untold floats between us like flower petals in the breeze. My eyes stare expectantly up at yours imploring them to reveal the secret. What secret? The secret that holds us together, that binds us, that makes us for who we are and what we will."

taking a break

Dear fellow Bloggers:
I have decided that i'm going to take a break. Sorry! =( Nothing's wrong it's just that 1) I've been reading ALOT of books, in the past 2 weeks i've read 7 1/2 books FOR FUN! on top of that i've been reading for class and for the infant development. usually that wouldn't stop me but i have been FEELING completely uninspired. It;'s as if the wick of the candle within the heart of my creativity is full of wax and flame only catches every now and then. I can't even write which is completely unheard of for me. I even tried that exercise where you make a story of the things around you. I couldn't do that. I can't draw anything worth while, I can't even look at paint, i haven't opened a notebook, not even for class, becasue i have nothing to write in it, nothing to doodle.
I was robbed of my mojo and i have no idea who took it. Last nite was the longest time i had the creative engines working at all and i feel it was only becasue i was sleep deprived, with a GREAT girlfriend, and watched a sappy movie (Valentine's Day).
I'm sorry that i haven't read any of your posts, but i can't bring myself to read them and not leave comments and if i leave comments they'll be half-assed becasue i won't be able to think of anything funny enough or witty enough or nice enough. Please forgive me.
I promise you all that I WILL find the thing that took my mojo and I will make it suffer for depriving me of the only thing i know how to do that makes me feel like me.

Sincerely,
ME wilting away in the corner devoid of light.

guilty pleasure

Who here here as a guilty pleasure???? (everyone raises hand). Ok, but not a sopa opera guilty pleasure, or "I love chocolate" guilty pleasure. I mean, who ehre has a guilty pleasure it's so wring it's almost sinful. Actually it is is sinful and you definitely shouldn't have that guilty pleasure? (Timidly raises).
Yes, I have a guilty pleasure that is just so wrong. But man oh man he it is just SO yummy good!
I really thank God that i have the hubby i do just because of how bad my guilty pleasure is. I mean it's bad. It's almost narcotic like. Well, after you all see the following pictures i want to know if you gals and gay men don't agree.

 

Yes, my guily pleasure is Alexander Skarsgard. He is Eric Northman on the HBO series True Blood. And OMgoodness he is just DELICIOUS!!! I could seriosuly eat him. Funny thing is that I read the book series (Sookie Stackhouse) way before I started to watch True Blood, and yet I managed to imagine him just as he is. Wouldn't he be you rguilty pleasure as well if he's EXACTLY what you imagined. i mean, that's perfection right there. God was SERIOUSLy showing off with this piece of work. You can tell God is an artist when he mande Alexander. SWOON!

If you're not convinced yet, about this picture. 

ABSOLUTELY YUMMY, yes? I know, I'm making a FOOL of myself by being so absolutely ridiculous about this man I don't even know. But I never had any major Hollywood crushes. I had posters but it was to fill up walls and most of the time i would jamble them up to make my perfect man. Also, I don't dig Anglo looking men. And I don't really noticed "hott" looking guys either (unless they're in one of my books). But this man...*sighs* this man is just so handsome, so beautiful so......(looking up synonyms in dicitonary.com......) pulchritudinous, guwapo (Filipino), komea (Finnish), beau (French), attraktiv (German), dathúil (Irish), attraente (Italian), pen (Norweigen) or as he would say stilig (Swedish). Yes, girls he's swedish.

Something you all don't know about me. A lot of ppl think I look like a fatter version of Lady Gaga. So I decided to dig up that video of hers and pretend I'm really her and he's kissing me. LOL! yes, pathetic, but delicious! (BTW, hubby, thank you for not ever getting jealous over this platonic romance I have Alexander)

you learn new things everyday

I learned several things about myself today:
1) I will actually give my phone the silent treatment (not using all day and purposefully leaving home without it) all day just because it did not wake me up at 6 am
2) I will actually wake up voluntarily at 6 am to continue reading a book.
3) I went to bed at 1 am trying to keep reading a book
4) I am perfectly ok with only sleeping a few hours..as long as i get to read book
5) i have to force myself to eat or do any other things while reading book
and lastly) I will do anything as long as I get to finish the book and know exactly what happens, because of course the moment i stop reading i JUST know things happen that aren't written in the book.

Ok, ok, before you send me off to the insane asylum in a straight jacket where i have to chew hole out of the white shoulder pads just so i can scratch myself...let me explain my love the written word.

I didn't always used to love reading. Actually, it took me a long time to learn how to read. I had a really big phonetics problems when i was younger and my parents never took me to a speech therapist. I don't think they were noticed, honestly, becasue i was advanced in everything else; especially math. By 1st grade I was multiplying up to 12. Pretty impressive, no? Anyways I would say i didn't learn how to read fluently until 3rd grade; I was 7 years old. Honestly, I think the only reason i really learned was because we had moved from Miami, FL to Nicaragua that year and I one of two Americans in my school. I had to perform well, because then what else would i have going for me?
I hated to read back then. I remember laying in my bed sweating because I had to read a whole chapter book. In the 5th grade we would have reading week. The class that read the most books as a whole would win a prize. My class really wanted to win. So, I would grab books and only read the summary and turn it in. After that I learned the power of summaries and how teachers assumed I read just because I spit back the back of the book summary almost verbatim. From then on you would never catch me reading a whole book. During that time my dad had started buying me books. I don't know why, but I think my parents are psychic because they did things like without knowing for sure if I truly liked it.

One of the books my dad bought me was at the beginning of 6th grade (he probably bought as soon as it came out in sept of 99)and it was Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban by J.K. Rowling. The cover of the book always intrigued me, but I could never bring myself to read a 435 page book. By the pictures you can tell how old it is and just how many times I read it.
Anyways, during Christmas break I decided to finally read it (1999) After that first encounter with reading a bookI became in love, enamored, fascinated with, entrapped, enchanted, captivated by, gaga over books. My dad was going to Miami right after xmas brak and I amde buy all the books he could find on the Harry Potter series. Of course he obliged and brought back only the two first books. He told me that the 4th wasn't going to come out until that summer (2000). I had to wait 6 WHOLE MONTHS until I could continue reading. During that long wait the books had become a huge hit for some odd reason and I was stuck. Every July after that I made sure either me, my dad or someone I knew was in Florida to buy me a harry potter book until the very last one in 2007.
Since the Harry Potter series my mom and dad started to buy my 3-4 books every summer and sometimes every Christmas. Since then I have bought myself at least two new books a year. Probably more, but I can't keep track of how many books I buy or download. It's like buying clothes.

As many books as I've read it's been a while since I felt connected with one. There's only been two books I've felt a connection with: the Harry Potter series and Twilight (I know, sorry). Both authors, although one is much greater of a writer than the other, know how to tell a story and know how to give birth to a great character. Right now, I felt a connection with another book and supposedly will be turned into a series; Fallen by Lauren Kate. Another supernatural book, but it was fantastic. It takes a pretty damn good writer to be able to make me feel just as disoriented and breathless as the heroine of the story. She was sure she knew things and so did I, but the books had as many twists as the Hulk Roller-coaster in Islands of Adventure. I finally finished the book today (after starting it yesterday) and can breathe a little more. I hadn't realized that it felt as if I had been holding my breath the whole time. It was recommended to me by someone and she also recommended me 3 other books. Of course, I will read them, but Fallen will be on mind for some weeks. I will probably read it over and over again just like I did with the Harry Potter series and Twilight (I've both series separately at least 6 times...each book). I fall so hard for certain books it's as if they turn into my lovers for a few days.
I think I have a feeling why I fall for books so hard and why I consider them my greatest companions, but that's something only the psychologist in me shoudl know. You know the deal...patient-doctor confidentiality.