In light of my recent failure I will go on to feel as if every next bright idea I have is what I'm supposed to REALLY do. I know that as a Catholic/Christian I should believe in God and that He has great plans for all his children (including the nonbelievers) and that when he closes one door he opens several windows. However, how am I sure that this particular door slamming in my face is His doing? I mean, don't you think it's sort of selfish of me to blame it on Him for my failure? For ME not getting a good enough GPA and for ME not being able to get into the program.
But, of course like a somewhat good Christian, I do believe these things...sort of. I mean is every opportunity or idea of mine the BIG ONE? The one that's supposed to set me free?
For example, I love to write. I've had several projects on the side. I've never been able to take them seriously because of school. So now am I supposed to turn writing into a career and make a living out of it?
Also, since I've been home and have had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do, I have been cooking every single day at 1:30 for the family. I actually enjoy doing this. I enjoy looking on the internet for ideas, altering recipes to my liking and cooking the food and having it actually taste good. I love the idea of baking and have therefore tried to bake. I'm definitely not a baker, but every failure brings me closer to the perfect cake. I'm on a quest to bake that perfect cake. So, am I supposed to go to culinary school and learn to become a chef?
You the problem. Everything that I like or enjoy doing will become a revelation to me right now. And it's ALL because I didn't get accepted. What am I supposed to do? I don't like not having a plan. I'm terrified of the fact that I'm going to have to seriously put myself out there and find a job. I've already applied for 20 and I haven't gotten one interview. what if I apply for 100 and get nothing? Do you know what that would do to me?
I'm trying to pull it together, to simply act. I'm trying to look at other schools, to look at where I can find a job with simply a BA in psychology. But, right now, if I did get an interview, I'm not sure it'd be a very good one. I don't know what I am right now. I have failed so utterly that it has shattered my soul, and for the moment I don't know what it is I'm supposed to do.
I truly believe that every being on this Earth has a calling. And I always thought my calling was supposed to help people. Who helps people? Psychologists. and I actually LOVE learning about it. The human mind, the way emotions play with truth, how our parents play a factor in our adult lives considering we only spend about 1/4 with them. But what if it's not what I'm supposed to do. How will I know this? How will I be confident, that maybe me not getting in this program just means I'm supposed to go to another school. I DON'T KNOW! I DON'T KNOW! I DON'T KNOW!
I'm nobody! Who are you?
Are you nobody, too?
Then there's a pair of us — don't tell!
They'd banish us, you know.
How dreary to be somebody!
How public, like a frog
To tell your name the livelong day
To an admiring bog!
This poem envelopes me and consoles me and makes me feel worlds betters. So, take me Emily Dickinson. If you were here, right now, and you'd dictate your poetry aloud to me, I would have become your mistress and banish your loneliness.
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5 comments:
Whenever you figure out that you don't need to have it all figured out, you're just beginning to figure it out...
You know what? I LOVE LOVE LOVE my job. You know what else? It has nothing to do with what I went to school for. ALL of my job knowledge comes from on-the-job training. AND... when I took the job at the beginning it was just because I NEEDED a job; honestly I was MUCH less than thrilled about this particular one. Now, I can't believe I hadn't considered it sooner.
I am like you; I like to have a plan. And I like my plans to work out. But you know what they say... if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.
Sometimes you just have to let go and RELAX in order for things to become clear in your mind.
*hugs*
ok, Krista be prepared for my age to seriously come out with what I'm about to say.... What am I supposed to do?? Krista, I have no idea what is up and down right now. I am beyond having my plans crushed, I have NO plans. I have no idea what's to happen. I NEVER considered this.
I know you love your job, but how did you get it with only a Ba/Bs??? I have absolutely NO job experience. Every skill I have is from being a mom, and of course I can't put on my resume that I can clean throw up, green diarrhea, and make my sick baby laugh WITHOUT vomiting. and the label "able to multitask" hardly describes that scenario. 4 years working my butt off and I have nothing to show for it, because the kind of job I'll be able to get is something a kid in high-school can get. Some of us are lucky (like you) and some of us are not (like me).
Having God laugh at me is so not cool. He should shut up and just make my life happen and give me divine inspiration. (Folds arms agressively and sits grumpily onto sofa while trying to hold back tears).
Hey, maybe I can be a script-writer.
I can see/read/hear how frustrated you are and believe it or not I do understand.
The point of my post is that Yeah, it sucks to be you right now. BUT you are in charge. You get to make the decisions and the beauty of not having a plan is that you can make whatever plan you want to make!
I am honestly not trying to belittle the very real issues that you are facing. I don't know how you are going to work around them any more than you know at this point. BUT... I do know that you are not the first person to face these issues and you won't be the first one to persevere and rise above them.
And you will rise above. You are smart, energetic, determined and hard-working.
I'm sorry I don't have more concrete advice as far as what you should do. If I were to offer one piece of "you should do this" advice, it would be to not be too hard on yourself. You're hurting and very frustrated right now, and that's not the best time to make big decisions. Let yourself grieve and be frustrated and angry for a a while and see how it goes as you start to feel better. You have ever right to feel as crushed as you do - just try to remember that it won't feel so bad forever. It will start to feel better and then you will be in a better place to move forward and make new plans.
Script writer would suit you fine as you definitely have a flair for the dramatic ;o).
*hugs* hang in there. this too shall pass.
you made laugh with your script writer comment. jajajaja. I must say, Krista, you are becoming one of my favorite people right now. Thank you
You're most welcome! I'm glad I got a laugh out of you at least. ;o) Have a wonderfully wacky wednesday!
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