From the moment I found out that I was pregnant and let everyone know; everyone said that it would be ok if I didn't finish college. I mean everyone. There was only one person who was not ok with this...me. Not finishing in college in 4 years was out of the question, regardless of having a baby or not. I took 5-6 classes per semester, including summer just so i could graduate in Spring 2010, the year I was supposed to graduate. There was not other option, not accomplishing this would have been my ultimate failure. Little did I know this very accomplishment would be my ultimate failure. Who knew?
Here I am, in my bed, doing breathing exercises to regulate my breathing and to prevent the unpreventable tears that so badly want to see light. I have failed to get into grad school. I thought it was a sure thing, it seemed so easy. I had everything. I had no Plan B, I had no thoughts about anything else. There was only grad school. What am I supposed to do with a bachelor's degree in psychology? There is nothing that I am interested in. Nothing. I am nothing without school. I am one of those people who loves going to school. I love reading and learning new things, and making deadlines. I have only known school from the time I 3-years-old. I haven't even thought of the idea of not going to school. For me it was endless years of schooling. 6 in elementary, 6 in secondary, 4 in college, 2-4 in grad school, 6 in PhD, and I was planning on becoming a professor after that, so indefinite amount of time in school.
I don't want to face the real world. I don't want to get a real job, and be like everyone else who hates it and works just for the money. That's what prostitutes are, and I don't want to be a prostitutes. I've already had to grow up so much in my life and I don't want to continue having to be mature and responsible.
What am i without this? I am nothing but simply a mother and wife without school. I am nothing, just like Emily Dickinson.
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3 comments:
Life is unpredictable, but this does not have to be the end of your schooling if you don't want it to be. You know your strength, capacity, and intelligence better than anyone. Use them to make the correct next move.
An analogy, like Sofia on Golden Girls:
One thing I love about Key West is the drive down there. You have to be very mindful of the speed limits, especially at night. Sometimes the speed limit is 55, and sometimes it's 35. Having to drive 35 miles an hour to get where I really want to be...well, sometimes it feels like I'm NEVER going to make me it. But then I'm there and it's always worth it.
So you might have to downshift for a while and travel some back roads. That's OK. You will get there. And by "there" I mean the corner of Happiness and Wisdom, wherever that may end up being in your life.
Always, always, always, enjoy the ride.
*hugs* I'm sorry for your disappointment sweetie.
I don't know what to advise you in terms of what to do next... but I have a suggestion for something to consider...
Hopefully, for as long as you walk this earth, you will never ever stop being a student.
You will learn from your husband, your daughter, your colleagues, your family, your bloggie buds, and perhaps most importantly, yourself.
Right now, you need to figure out what life is trying to teach you. What are you supposed to learn from your current circumstances? Once you find the lesson, I think it will be easier to determine what you want to do next.
The beauty of not having a plan is that ANYTHING is possible! You're not bound to any one direction so you can chose any which one that makes you happiest.
Hang in there. I know that sting of disappointment is very painful. Been there for sure!!!
Rosemi:
I don't want to enjoy this particular part of my journey. This is the bumpy word. This is the bridge part of going to key west. That REALLY LONG BORING bridge that you just want to get over with. The on where you try to drive a little faster.
I have always felt that, even though I love being a student, this part of my life is beating away at bushes and undergrowth. I DO love being a student, but I don't want to prolong that experience either. I want my life set. I want the eggs aligned and the chickens accounted for. I want to break free from the undergrowth and simply breathe. What if I'm unable to ever go back and am stuck at a job that I hate? Not helping people, not doing something that I love. I know I'm romanticizing jobs, but can't I dream for one that I will love. Can't I be that lucky individual that never worked and when she finally did it was a job she loved?
Krista:You are right about never stopping being a student. Because I will always be one in Life 101. lol. But Life doesn't really have deadlines and what not. And if you read my comment to Rosemi you'll see what I'm scared of.
I'm not much of a free-faller and this is scaring the STOOL out of me.
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