inspired

I read somewhere that now-a-days we expect too much of our spouses. Before it used to be that we, women, only expected our husbands to feed us, provide us with safety, and make sure we have a roof over our head. Now we expect them to love us, respect us, indulge us and INSPIRE us. Maybe this is asking for too much, but what it you married someone without any expectations and they manage to do all this all on their own?
I never saw my hubby as someone who would inspire. He's extremely down to earth, and his major is engineering. He doesn't read, and reads and watches the news for fun. With good news he doesn't show much emotion. He is extremely sensitive, but I think it's more becasue his mom babied him since he was the last one and so much younger than his older brothers. You can't get anyone more nonexpressive than him. Which is fine to me, trust me. But really, could you find him inspiring?
Well, I couldn't and I was honestly shocked the other day when he gave me such a good idea for a poem. He said something that made me want to express it creatively. He inspired me.
Well, here's the poem:

Even the sun fades

the flowers wilt
the trees burn
lightening strike.
Even the sun fades.

little critters die
buildings collapse.
even the sun fades,
but my love for you never will.

Even the sun fades,
but my love never will.

The sunrises ever morning
and it sets every night.
The birds chirp in greeting
just as I'll always love you

Caterpillars turn into butterflies
and chameleons change colors.
Even the sun fades...
but I will always love you.

Here's another poem that my coworker inspired in me becasue she was yelling to the office that she has no time even though she has 36 hour days.

SPLIT

How do i splity myself?
a mother
a wife
a daughter.
How do I split myself?

I dedicated myself
I learn how to manage time,
how to juggle,
how to grow more arms.
But how do i split myself?

24 hours isn't enough
for I work 36 hour days.
Please tell me
for I am begging you...
How do i split myself?

The owl, elephant and sister Banana Peanut-butter towers.

Sitting on the ground
listening to the wise owl sing.
A song of despair, beauty, and romance.
A song that can ring.
It rings across the lands,
over the hills
and right through a river.

I'm sitting on the ground
confessing to a loyal elephant.
I'm confessing my affairs, my triumphs and sins.
I'm confessing all that I am and who I've been since an infant.

Sitting on the ground
being nourished by sister towers.
Sisters towers made up of bananas and peanut-butter.
Sister towers that have magical powers.




I'm sitting on the ground
a nice soft, squishy brown ground.
Digging my toes in the enriched soil
Feel the breeze on my face
Smelling the flowers,
and listening to the birds.
I'm sitting on this ground with
the wise owl,
the loyal elephant,
and my two sister banana peanut-butter towers.
I'm sitting on the ground.

blöd, blöd, blöd, blöd, blöd!!! UGH!

Yes! Bring in the king and throne, the audience, and the jester hat for i am a FOOL. I complained, pleaded, begged, asked, whined (a little) yesterday for advice on how to make a friend. I needed ideas how to exapnd my horizons and just get a girlfriend whom I could trust and who needed me. No one has ever invited me ANYWHERE! TO ANYTHING....
Today God, the Almighty Lord, decided to bless me. (Bless that Man). I stayed in class for an hour (which I didn't need becasue I had finished my work) talking to a girl today. It was AMAZING!! (I sound so lesbian, don't I? lol). Anyways, we talked about S, school, graduation and it's upcoming DOOM. We walked out together and everything. Then I was about to part ways feeling defeated for another probable failed friendship. I'm already mourning the potential when nothing's even happend. I'm so lost in my gloom that I barely hear her ask, "Would you like to join me and my sister for lunch?" I stare at her confused. "Whaaaa?" is what my face practically said all on it's own. She rephrases, "Yeah, my sister's here in Starbucks, you could...join...us (I'm probabaly drooling at this point)...if you'd like."
"Actually, " I say, like the biggest blöd (idiot) I am, "I already had lunch. Thanks". And rushed out of there like if she was a leper.
Please explain to me why I would act in such a way when I'm so desperate for friendship? I would like to thank God's attempt at helping me out, but obviously I'm a lost cause. I really hope this doesn't ruin anything, but seriously! I mean, go ahead...laugh at my stupidity. I know. I was laughing at myself and cursing myself all day today.
I guess, my only option is to "KEEP MOVING FORWARD" (name the movie!!=P) Hopefully, she doesn't think I'm a complete flake for my brief moment of stupidity. =( and she's super nice too AND smart. Such great BFF potential.

Friend fairy, where are you? it's me looking for a friend!

Friend fairy please bestow on me the gift of making friends!
One you thin you all don't know about me is that i have NO IDEA how to make friends. I've met many people, I talk to people during class (recently anyways), I walk with them as much as I'm able to our car/next class/library/etc. Somehow, however, I can NEVER EVER make the GINORMOUS leap from class/work acquaintance to friend. I've tried asking my parents, but they just laugh at my incompetence; I tried asking the hubby, but he doesn't really care for friends so I feel his advice is a little outdated. I'm out of hope. =(
Ok, there's this girl in my sculptures class and she's TOTALLY cool. She's what I picture when I think of a frien, a best friend maybe. She's cool, and pretty, and a brunette (all my friends in high school had to have a different color than me, don't ask). She's creative, and smart, and older! For some ODD reason, I just don't mesh well, with people my age. Even though my bestest from high school is my age, everyone else just don't like me as a friend. I mesh well with younger kids becasue I take on the role as big sister. I get along REALLY well with older people because, well, I truly believe I'm an old soul. Also, especially now, that I have toddler and am only 21. Yeah, not many 21-year-olds with toddlers. Our priorities are different, and their tolerance for me talking about her and other adult things is low.
Well, every semester I find myself wanting so badly to befriend someone. To see that person OUTSIDE of class/work/whatever. I know for a fact I'm overthinking this, but the problem is, no other person I've met is looking for friends. They already have friends, and don't necessarily need another one. But I do need a friend. I need a girlfriend who I can no matter and not feel I'm interrupting. I need a girlfriend who I can ask for favors or babysit, even. I need a girlfriend who when I call will be there for me no matter what. I need a girlfriend that NEEDS me and will visit me at my house often, becasue I won't visit them at their house too often. I need a girlfriend who I act all lesbiany with. Someone to discuss books, and movies, and TV shows. I need a soulmate.
I had one, actually 3. But over the years it's hard to be close with them, and all 3 of them live in different states. They can't come here and I can't go there. It's been hard to keep in touch with them, and i need someone who i can physically hug and stop dreaming of hugging them.
Do you guys have any pointers? and I swear if any of you mention to just ask them out to coffee I will strangle you, because I've tried that and all I get is rejection. I HATE rejection!
So, any pointers, let me know. =)

For my Prima/Bestie: Don't get offended by this post. If you're concerned about it, call me and I'll explain. LOVE YOU!

day 4 (yes, i skipped day 3; it was entirely uneventful)

Day 4 (yesterday) was pretty cool. I tried doing inversion yoga, which is the one you stand on your hand. Yeah, i can't do any of that. But i know I will at some point. Anyways, during meditation/prayer I felt like Bella Swan from Twilight. Before you stop reading give me a chance. In case you haven't read all 4 books (SPOILER ALERT) Bella turns into a vampire in the 4th one. With her new immortal status, she ends up gaining a magical power as well. She has a shield that protects her from...you know, I don't know how to categorize what she can shield herself from, but supposedly she can protect her mind. Anyways, once she discovers this another vampire tries to teach her to expand her shield to others. She described it as trying to stretch a rubber-band as far as it can go. Back to me meditation/prayer experience that's what I was trying to do. I sat with my legs bent under me, back straight, palms open, eyes closed, and concentrating on my breathing though my nose. What I try to accomplish is that feeling where you feel like if you're a little ant, but at the same time a giant? Well, I manage to do that, but my rubber-band only reaches as far as my room. Not sure if any of that made sense, but I thought it was cool experience, and when I feel like, to me it feels like if I'm sitting on the Lord's palm but am His palm at the same time.

I'll leave with this Bible verse that's from my favorite book.
Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong.
1 Corinthians 16:13

woo hoo an award that i never said a proper thank you for

 The lovely, brave, wonderful, and gorgeous woman over at What passes for sane on a Crazy day kindly gave this to me quite some time ago. Sorry, Spot for never thanking you properly and for not posting it up soon enough. BUT here it and here is your great big

The fine print for keeping the Happy torch lit:

A. List 10 things that make you happy.
B. Try to do at least one of them today.
C. Tag 10 bloggers that brighten your day.
D. For those 10 bloggers who get the award, you then link back to my blog and create your own "makes you happy" list.

A. 1) waking up every morning 
     2) hearing little S laugh
     3) my Grande Caramel Macchiato
     4) the rain, especially when it thunders
     5) writing, reading, watching movies
     6) my newfound love, yoga
     7) my nost so newfound, but revisiting love, praying
     8) reorganizing furniture
     9) going home to the parents
     10) my hubby (I wouldn't forget you honey)
B. i did 1,2,3,4,10...can't do 8,9 because my parents live in Nicaragua and I just rearranged my furniture last week. and I'll do 6,7 tonite =D
C. 1. Spot
    2. Alexa Pabitzky
    3. Lacy
    4. Leigh-Ann
    5. Kathryn
    6. Valeria
    7. Life, Love, n Wine
    8. Penny
    9. Isabella
    10. Tavi

So, there you go. Hope you all enjoy your awards! =D

day 2 Om shanti shanti shanti AND why?

I wake up early and I start to do yoga. I'm doing yoga before meditation because it helps relax your body and strengthen your muscles. It's very hard to sit still if your body isn't built for it. So, everyday I add a new pose and TRY to sit for a few minutes longer.
Definitely easier said than done. The first day was fantastic, because S was asleep, the hubby wasn't home and it was EXTREMELY quiet in the house. It was VERY easy for me to lose myself in the space/time continuum. Yeah, today was not to easy. I tried doing it in the morning and at night and both times failed. I managed to get through the yoga part, but the praying part? Impossible when your 2-year-old is saying, "Mama, ya? Mama, AQUIIIIII!!!" (English translation: "Mama, done? Mama, HEREEEEEEEE!!!!"). Yeah, so you can see how I definitely won't be able to hear God with such a high-pitched of my little S. It didn't work at night, because she never fell asleep. It was very annoying trying to medidate when you here her laughing and copying everything the cartoons are saying.
I will continue but it definitely won't be easy.

Sidenote
I was watching abc last night (I never do) and I saw a commercial for private practice. It was a preview for the episode about a daughter telling her parents she's pragnant and mother isn't accepting her....well, the narrator sais something along these lines, "Every parents' worst nightmare"....WHY? Why is it a parents worst nightmare if they bring a child into this world? Yes, I understand that most parents are just worried that their child won't have a "normal" life anymore, but why is a worst nightmare? Wouldn't your child being a drug addict worse? or your child committing suicide? or your child having suicidal thoughts? or what about an eating disorder? or maybe your child is being picked on at school? Why does having a baby before 22 years-old so traumatic for parents? This isn't the first time I've seen this theme in shows or books.
I mean take Juno. The scene in which Juno tells them she's pregnant. After she leaves the parents look at each other and say how they thought she was going to confess doing drugs. They made it sound like it would've been better. All I ask is Why?? to you moms out there. Because, yeah, I'm a mom, but my daughter is only 2 and of course you never know something until you experience it or can understand it better. So, please help me understand why parents would prefer their children being drug-addicts then getting pregnant and bringing a beautiful baby into this world. I mean isn't more natural for us to get pregnant than to do drugs?

day 1...trying to start fresh or maybe i'm trying to revert back to my old-self...

I have just finished reading the book Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. Before this book I've been wanting to make that connection i lost a long time ago with God. I might lose some followers with the story I'm about to tell. But I ask to keep an open mind regardless if you're a skeptic.
BACK STORY TIME!
I grew up in a Bilingual Catholic school. I had religion at least every other since I was 8 years old. Before that I had been taking Catechism classes every Sunday morning. At my school not only would we have religion classes, but we would go to the chapel once a week, have a grade mass once a month, go on grade retreats once a year, and celebrate major Catholic celebrations as a school in the assembly hall. Even though it was a Catholic school, I never felt repressed and we were all allowed to express ourselves and ask "threatening" questions. We were allowed in essence to doubt our beloved religion. Most of the teachers at my school believed that by asking questions you will become stronger in your faith in your beliefs.
Despite this, my parents were nowhere near religious. They considered themselves Catholic, but they definitely did not practice it. I suffered growing up becasue I felt like I was the only kid not going to church on Sundays and not knowing what the gospel was that day. For years I had no idea what a gospel was and that there were only four! Well, after realizing that I am the only one who is at fault for not having a real relationship in God I immersed myself into Him and the Virgin Mary to make for all those years of learned helplessness.
By 14 I was visiting the chapel at my school everyday during lunch. I still couldn't go to church, becasue my mom would just say no. She's not a bad woman, but it was hard for her to go back for various reasons...which i ended up inheriting (will explain later). Anyways, I prayed incessantly and started to get closer to my Holy Father. Every morning for almost a whole year I prayed the entire rosary on my way to school (I lived about 40 minutes away from my school). This was during my senior year and it felt nice to such a thing.
At 15 I started to volunteer for religious things. I was already in Operation Smile and wanted to help out religiously. I felt compelled to. So, I helped our school's priest, several other students, to give a retreat to a poor community 2 hours way from home. We had to sleep there 2 nights and everything. It was scary, but wonderful. Before this, however, i was already preparing myself spiritually by going to other religious gatherings and praying, and by believing in my own retreats and letting myself be taken to My Lord. During the 3-day retreat I was assigned to the prayer room. At first I hated this assignment because I was the only one and was secluded from the other 5 volunteers. I was a shy and timid person and there I was trying to pray for other people. The way you pray for someone else is you have them kneel in from of you and you raise your hands to wards them. You close your eyes, concentrate, and begin to pray. Sometimes they'll tell you what they you to pray for, sometimes they won't. It's your job to know exactly what they need. I'm sure you can imagine how difficult this task was, which is why the experts (the spiritual leaders) would tell me in advance that way I had a better chance on praying for them correctly. On the 2nd day the experts pulled me aside and told me that they see something within me and would like to explore it. A woman came in and they asked the woman to kneel without asking what she wanted. They then asked me to kneel with her and pray for her. I did and something happened. I almost stopped praying, but I knew I had to finish my prayers. When I stopped the woman was crying and I was terrified. In retrospect, I think I wasn't terrified just TERRIBLY overwhelmed. Just recalling that memory here is making me tremble.  One of the experts asked me what I saw. I stared wide-eyed at the man wondering how on Earth he knew I saw something. He told me to go outside for a moment (the prayer room was separated from the rest of the on-goings of the retreat). I went outside and sat myself between two of the other volunteers. They looked at me worriedly, but didn't say a word. They called me back into the room, and I walked in...scared. Again, they asked me what I saw and I told them. I had seen a little boy in a hospital bed dieing. He had something black in his belly. After a few minutes I looked at the machines and saw that his heart flat-lined. I told him that he died, and that I didn't want to tell this woman that her grandson died while she was here. Because I felt him die that very morning. All the men started at each other amazed. Then one of the men told me, SMILING!, "It's ok, Katarina, he did die, you are correct. But the Lord gave him breath again, and he lives without the black thing in his belly. Close your eyes and confirm this for yourself". I did what was asked and knew he was speaking the truth.
It turns out the boy was 7 years-old and had a tumor in his large intestine. Mind you I had never seen this woman before and was secluded to the prayer room, so I couldn't hear conversations outside of it. In the same retreat everyone was praying and the other volunteers had called me to help them pray for one of the volunteers. I raised my hands as is custom, and started to pray aloud. When I was finished I opened my eyes and saw everyone staring at me. apparently, I had spoken tongue. Honest-to-God tongue, without even knowing it. BTW this is the only true form to speak in tongues. If you are conscious that you are speaking tongues then you are probably faking it without even knowing it, because the reason why others may hear speak in tongue is because the Lord wanted to cover what you are saying so that the devil may not know. Scary stuff, i know. Trust me I couldn't sleep for a very long time, and being that close to God was the reason why I had to sleep with lights on and why I would beg my7 year old sister (at the time) to sleep with me. We had a saying in our school, kind of like a warning: The closer your are to the Lord, the closer you are to Satan.

So, as you can see I used to be very close to Him, and sometimes I will have premonitions and feelings in which I have to start praying for immediately. but I noticed that as time went on, I lost faith in those sightings, and ignored them. Which, cost a life once. I never admitted it to anybody, but I truly believe I prevented my only nephew to have lived. He was a premature baby, 7 month old fetus. The mother, my sister-in-law, had pre-eclampsia. They had successfuly taken the baby and supposedly he was perfectly healthy. But I had a feeling that in 3 hours tops he would be dead. I saw him gasping for breath. I wanted to them, but I couldn't bring myself becasue they sounded so happy on the phone (they were DR). well, 3 hours later my hubby's brother calls saying he's dead. First, the right lung collapsed, then 20 minutes later the left one. There was no chance for him. Yes, you all may say it was my fault, but not everything was done to prevent his death. And I will forever hold that in my heart. sadly, his death awakened me. This happened 2 years ago feb.17th, but it has taken me that long to get where i am.

Now, I am trying to find God again, while somehow being a wife and mother. It's not very easy, but I've decided, especially after reading EAT PRAY LOVE that I will do anything possible to make that connection again. Maybe not so devotedly, but there will be a stronger connection than now. God has carried me far too long on that beach, it's now time for me to walk with Him along that wondrous beach and be one with Him. So, I have started to approach Him in a different manner. through yoga to teach myself discipline and a Catholic version of meditation. I felt Him a little today, and feel peaceful, despite several things that are in my head right. I have faith in my future self and that she is one with The Almighty at this moment. I know it'll be hard, but I hope you all will support as I get there. I will end withsomething I've always believed, but somehow learned until recently.

I am the trees, the sky, the dirt, the stars, the universe, the everything. I am you and you are me. We are all one moving together like daffodils dancing with the breeze in an open field.

absence makes the heart grow fonder

Silence....dark....thoughtful.....pain....excitement....tears....busy....
Are you getting an image yet? Yes, I have been away far too long and I apologize. There are several reasons why I have been away but the main is because I wasn't sure if I wanted to share certain things here. I have decided that I'm going to live up to my New Year's Resolution or NYR, then I must share and open myself up like a dead body being investigated for foul play in the morgue.
Two posts ago I wrote about how upset I was at certain people who behaved in my opinion very childish on Christmas Eve, basically ruining it for their own family and dampering my mom's special night. Well, I wrote that post last year! jejeje, had to. Anyways, I wrote it on the 25th of December. Most of my family had read it, most of my family agreed, most of my family didn't really care what I wrote on my blog. Well, I come to Miami and only a few days of being back I get THE call from one of my aunt's. She tells me,
"I read your f***ing blog"
I laughed, becasue I thought she was going to say I'm brave in writing it which is what another aunt had said.
"I read your blog!" she says again more forcefully.
I start to get worried, "Ok....?" I say questioningly.
"Well, let me tell you," She begins to tell me how hurt all of my mom's sisters are, including her. There's 3 of them. She says she doesn't understand I would write something like that. That I shouldn't judge. That I acted like a child, etc etc. I got worried so I asked specifically what she was talking about. Then she mentions a comment I wrote in response to someone. I had written something a long the lines of; "I would've shot myself if I was any of my mom's sister's daughter".
Well, apparently that's what irked her the most. I real;ized maybe those were harsh words so I decided to call the other two and say sorry to them. The first one I called had no idea about it and she laughed. she said she understood and that it's no big deal and that if I don't want to deal with this to either not make my blog public or to just not write things like that.
Well, the other aunt didn't go so well. Supposedly I hurt her the most. So I had this WHOLe speech ready for her and explain myself and to give me the benefit of the doubt, blah blah blah. I got as far as..."I'm calling because I want to apologize for the comment on my blog". Yes, I emphasized comment, becasue I'm not the least bit sorry for the post itself. I feel I didn't disrespect anyone. I didn't mention any names and I though I minimized the childness of it. Anyways, she didn't l;et me go further she went on to say that she's disappointed in me (BTW I hate that word. It's so much heavier than upset or angry) and that I shouldn't write about family, and that I shouldn't be careless. But that fine she accepts and she just wants to put it behind her. Do you think she really is putting it behind her? I don't think so either. Both her daughts wrote comments on that post and neither of them are very nice. You can go back if you like, but I don't recommend it. The first one, Mey, was super rude and ALL of it was wrong. I don't know who Anonymous is but I'm guessing it's Mey's best friend. And the last one, Karen, well....she obviously wrote something to make her big sister proud which is what she's wanted from her. This is what I wasn't sure if I wanted to share. It's a little sad and depressing. And it makes me a little angry that I'm trying to be adult about it, because trust me if I could get away in being a 5 year old right now i would. But if last year taught me anything, it taught me to pick your battles. And to waste my breath and time on trying to make my two cousins respect me and love me again FOR ME would be worthless. They gave up on me so readily without even talking to me, why should I convince them otherwise? That's what hurt me about the whole ordeal. Because everyone in my family (except my parents and that one aunt) turned their backs on me for one comment. All those thank yous, all those hugs and kisses, all those times I did things for them without them asking. All those times where I proved to be the most affectionate and compassionate and generous than anyone else in my family (except maybe my own parents), and nothing. They threw that out in the big trash can and saw only the one ugly thing. I was hurt for several days. I buried myself in movies (sad ones) and buried myself in those feelings. I didn't cry, because I was too upset to cry. I was too melancholy to even think of letting my body the satisfaction of shedding a tear. Also, I was trying to act aloof in front of my parents and hubby. They supported me and saw nothing wrong with what I wrote, but they weren't the ones who hurt me in the first place. Sometimes, another's support isn't enough. Sometimes you just want those people who hurt you to say they were kidding and that they forgive you for your lapse of judgment and that they still believe you're all those wonderful things that make you who you are. But that never happened, and probably never will. In that family's eyes I will forever be seen as ungrateful and thoughtless and every antonym of generous, compassionate and affectionate.
there are reasons why I have been absent, but in hindsight, I know I would've posted how busy I was or something or other during last week, despite how busy I really was.
Have a happy MANIC monday despite my very melancholic post.

i'm bAAAAAAck

I really wanted to be my first blog back to be all about the pictures and other stories that i didn't write while in Nicaragua. But I just can't help it; i'm bursting at the seams if i don't share stuff with you guys. Also, there's 5G worth of photos from just the last 14 days. So, i'm trying my hardest to go through all of them, organize them, and choose which ones to post. Of course i didn't take THAT many photos. Those 5G is made up of 6 cameras. Guess who had the most pictures? ME! of course! The whole time I was thinking of you guys and deciding which pictures you all would appreciate.
Ok, so I came the 2nd...boo and yay! What's really unfair right not is that my dad wrote out my whole "first blog back" and i can't use it. I mean what child wants to prove their parent right.... (yes, that's a stab to you Papa).
My last/first day of college started yesterday (the 4th). It was fun, but a little overwhelming. Somehow, so far, this semester is going to be one of my hardest semesters yet. i'm taking a total of 6 classes. 1 online (couldn't shake off my online class. i like being online too much), 2 art classes (so time consuming), a retake class (what a waste), and lastly, my experimental social psychology senior lab (SCARY). I normally have nightmares of supernatural things, but for the next 4 months i think i will have nightmares of this class and ALL the assignments and quizzes that are due EVERY week. Oh, not only am i taking all tese classes but i;m also volunteering at a lab for 10 hours.
Enough talk about my black and lifeless semester, lets talk about....idk. I'm in my senior lab and my creative bug is sleeping because my prof's voice is so amazing beautiful. I'm almost falling alseep. It's super soft, and light and not too monotonous. I just (YAWN) wish i could put my head down and..... ZZzzzzZZZzzzz.
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SNORING
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well, good night. i think..or good day. class is over now. What a nice nap.