a country song

I was asked to dance last night by a boy who wasn't my husband. That was one of the most awkward experiences of my life. I know what you're probably thinking, but I've never been asked to dance by some random boy I had never known. Actually, I don't think I've ever been asked to dance by any boy. I didn't so much get asked to dance as if the boy could teach me to dance. Look, let me explain something to you all. I definitely know how to dance. I can booty dance, I can rave, I can salsa, meringue, and a little chaha; I can even dance to 80's music (running man and all). But I've never lined dance before.

Last night my friend invited D and I to this place called the Round Up. It's a Western Bar in Davie, FL. It was so much fun. More than half of the night we all looked like fools trying to catch up with the line dancing. There was dance my friend knew and it was because the DJ puts that type of dance on every few songs. It's called the Country ChaCha. I know the dance. I do! But for the same life of me there's this one step that throws me off. And since the one step gets me all befuddled I can't do the rest of the dance.

So, during one of the Chacha's this boy comes up behind me, grabs my hands and says, "Want me to teach you to dance it?” I look up at him doe-eyed and speechless, gave a little smile; which I guess means, "Yes", because next thing I knew he had his arm around my waist teaching me the dance. Now, I know I could have very easily said no and the whole time I felt guilty because that boy was not my man. But, can you honestly blame a 21-year-old girl of not knowing how to respond when a boy asks her to dance when she's never been asked? I know; it's still a lame excuse.

That boy made my night. I know it's so vain and selfish and superficial and shallow. But knowing that I was still wanted by someone truly made me feel nice. Sometimes I wonder (and I say this to D all the time) that what if we hadn't had S, and what if we broke up...would I have ever gotten another boyfriend? I tell him all the time that I don't think I would have because he was my first boyfriend and I was 15 turning 16. He was the first one I ever truly kissed without it being from Truth or Dare or anything of the like. He's the only I was intimate with (both mentally and physically). He was the only boy I ever had sex with and that was 3 years into our relationship. I really don't think I would have been able to find another boyfriend. I mean, I can't even find friends. He says he thinks so because he thinks I'm confident which is a huge plus. But I'm not truly confident. I have good self-esteem, I always haves, but I'm never really been self-confident.

I was telling him last night that every time we go out anywhere it always feels like it’s just the two of us in the whole place. It gives me the self-confidence. With him I dance the way I want to dance. I laugh as loud as I want. I don't care if I make a fool of myself. Why? Because he's the only one for me and I know he'll love me no matter how ridiculous I am. I can be me anywhere I go because of him.

That boy yesterday was a blessing. He helped me realize that I'm not stuck (sometimes I do feel as I am). That boy helped me see that D truly is the right man for me. I don't mean in terms of love, because honestly that term really is for fairytales. I mean in the sense that D provides for me, maintains me, and respects me. He does everything a good primordial spouse should do. And that's our love. And that's why I love him.

So thank you again Boy at Round Up for asking me to dance. You taught me that I am still attractive to the opposite sex, you taught me I am not only a mother and wife, you taught me that D IS my husband. Most importantly, Boy at the Round Up, you taught that even though one has self-esteem doesn't mean they have self-confidence and that's something I need to work on.

potpourri - don't you just LOVE that word?

As usual, my mind is all over the person where i can't seem to just write about one thing. I didn't want to write without it being consistent, but then I'd be depriving all of you (yes all TWO)of knowing the real me.

23rd of March, 2010 at 12:27 am
Right now I’m sitting on the toilet writing in my very own, brand new laptop. I have wanted one of these since before I graduated from high school; since they came out practically. You see; this laptop isn't just an ordinary laptop that just anyone gets. This laptop it touch screen. It's the Lenovo s10 3t tablet PC. Do you know what that means? I have been waiting for this laptop so that I may write on it...I mean in it as if it were one of my journals. I have wanted this laptop for the sole purpose of being able to write. The thing is I consider myself a writer. I've been writing in journals since I can remember. I kept a consistent journal all 4 years of high school. I was going to do the same in college, but the first year of college was too difficult for me to write down and relive everything that I felt. I started to keep one about my daughter, but again, there were a lot of painful memories. I know writing is supposed to be a tool to help with emotions and actually, in high school it was. But the troubles in high school were not as painful and deep as the ones in college and being a new mother.

That morning, but the next day... thinking I lost previous entry. 1:13 AM
 I’m sitting here in class with my laptop. I wish I knew what to write because right now there's nothing i can think of to write about. I've been waiting for this laptop for such a long time. I've been imagining all these things to do with it. To draw, to write stories and poems, to create SOMETHING. Now, I actually have it in my hands and...nothing.
I wanted it to be able to save paper to not continue to waste money on journals and to not waste my planet’s resources for selfish reasons. But what do I write? Maybe I could keep a journal, or maybe i can transcribe all my little novels. I probably will do both. But when? When will I get over my excitement and just start? Maybe with this I will be able to start now. Ok. Let me start with folders...

25th of March, 2010.10:57 PM
The facts of life are just as they seem. WE breathe, we eat, and we live. WE live. Those are powerful words, right? I mean what does it mean that "we live"? How does one live? By simply breathing and nourishing ourselves with what we absolutely need? Then again, don't we need other things that aren't biological? Sometimes, I wonder how simple life truly is. I know everyone says life is complicated, but is it truly?
My thoughts are as confused as this entry....

26th of March, 2010. 10:31 AM
Sometimes it is difficult to understand certain things in life. Sometimes it's hard to truly believe that a God exists when there's so much hate and suffering. But like all good Christians we always respond, "Without suffering there's no compassion". I've always believed and I think no matter I always will.
I haven't been the best Christian since I got pregnant, but I don't think I'm a bad one. It's just hard for me to feel accepted within one of the most judgmental societies out there. How can I go to Church with a 2 year old daughter? I know God doesn't judge, but people do. And they're the ones you interact with in Church. I remember in school we used to always ask our Religion teacher why Church was so important, and she used to say "We need to go to Church because we need to experience God as a community" She used to say that although receiving communion was important, it wasn't as important as learning how to be with a community and bonding with it. This sounds all nice and dandy, but how can I be accepted by them if I did what they hate the most? Fornication, child out of wedlock, still not married under God; still fornicating....I mean what is one to do?
I wish I could find a Church that didn't judge me, that wouldn't ask me to repent that sin of fornicating. Because honestly, I don't regret ever having sex with D. If I never would have had sex with him, if we wouldn't have been so careless and naive, S would have never been born and who would I be? I wouldn't be the determined woman I am right now. I wouldn't be as independent I am now. I wouldn't be as mature, as nurturing, as good as a mother I am now. I don't think I could've been a better mother at a later age, because I am trying so hard to prove something. I'm on top of my daughter and her eating habits and her intellectual development because I want to prove to my mother that I can do it, just like she did. I don't think either one of us would be the moms we are now if we didn't pregnant at such a young age...

the tide

the tide rushes in
i feel your hand on my leg.
the waves crash against the sand
i feel our hearts beat in time

the water licks our toes
as i feel your hand creep higher.
the sound of the waves pulling back
makes me breathe harder.

i feel your hand over my stomach
as the tide comes in
i feel it over my heart
as the waves crash against the sand.

i feel your lips on my throat
as the water licks our toes.
i feel you within me
as the sound of the waves pull back.

with each coming wave
i feel you cum.
with each receding wave
i feel myself let go.

our bodies moving like
the to-and-fro of the water.
our bodies moving like
the carelessness of the waves.

i feel our heart beats calm
as the tide pulls back.
i feel our heart beats calm
as we head back home.

a fairytale?

In this one blog, I can't remember the name but on the side she had a "sticker" that said something like, "We're so fairytale, it makes people sick". I've always believed that about my hubby and I except that it never made anyone feel sick. My friends, especially, my high school friends that saw us grow into each other since 10th grade, LOVE that we're still together and that we're successful despite everything that's happened.
It makes me happy that they're genuinely happy for us. I love them for that, for always being sincere. I think that's why it's been so hard for me to make friends, because I compare every new person to my high school friends. I wasn't necessarily super close to them, but we do talk and I know for a fact that I can rely on them for anything. I trust them not only with my life, but my baby's life as well. That's how awesome they are.
I also read in facebook someone put in their status update, "Good friends are like star. You don't always see them but know they're always there". And this is so true for my high school friends. They're not even that, they're my sisters.
I've grown up with most of them since I first moved to Nicaragua when i was 7 turning 8. My closest one of all practically lived me and she will always hold a special place in my heart. Actually, it's not fair for me to say she's my closest friend, because each one of those girls hold a place in my heart that is special and unique. these girls helped shape who I am. And I hope that they'd say the same thing about me. Right now, becasue I'm feeling so nostalgic, I'm going to share anecdotes about each one. By the end of this you all are probably going to want to call your BFFs. lol
The first one I'll share is about H. There's so many stories with her that I don't know which one to choose, but the one I always share is the one I'll describe now. WE were in the 5th grade and since the 3rd grade I had been hearing about this girl who was BFFs when my then BFF. Naturally, I was jealous and disliked this unknown girl. Then one day I walk out of class and I see these group of girls, including my BFF, surrounding someone. I peek and I knew instantly it was H. I wanted to turn away and cry, but I didn't. I decided to play nice, so I managed to walk up to her and say, "I love that icecream. Isn't delicious? especially the middle caramel part, it's my favorite part!" (she was eating ice cream btw). She turn to look at me with her flaming red hair and sed, "You want it? I can never finish things!" From that moment we were fast friends.

My next friend is one I made the moment she walked into the 5th grade classroom. I always seemed to empathize with the newcomers so I always befriended them. Anyways, we were already friends for a while. I was at her house and I asked her if I could talk to her about something. It was the second time I had my period and I had been experiencing some technical difficulties. so, I asked her, "When you get out of the shower, how do you manage NOT to dirty the towel? The maids keep getting mad at me, becasue I leave it all bloody." She replied simply, "I use toilet paper. It's easier that way and you can make sure you're dry." It was so enlightening that I've always loved her for it. Then she sed, "you know if you ever need anything, you can always ask me. I love helping out people, and I want to be here for you." Mind you, this girl was a month younger than me, yet she's always had the wisdom of a mature, middle-aged woman. I will never forget those last set of words, because I did rely on her a lot even she didn't know it.

this next and last girl is one I am fortunate enough to see more frequently than the previous two. I met her in the 8th grade. That year we were bombarded with new girls, but this one was the one I became friends with. I want to share a very recent story about her but I'm not sure how she'd like it if every knew. So, instead I'll share this one. She was about to leave to Fl in a few days so she invited me to her grandfather's farm. we horsebacked, we walked around, we told each other stories, we played pretend. We acted like little kids and it was so wonderful. It's what childhood should be like. Well, they were dropping me off and I had promised myself not to cry. I don't cry often anyways so I thought it wouldn't be hard. WEll, next I know she walks me to the gate of my house, I turn to give her a hug, and I start crying my eyes out. I was so distraught because she was leaving me. She hugged me back and said, "Don't cry, K. We're still talk and we'll write letters and call. I always come visit." I hugged her tighter and gave her a kiss on the cheek and walked into my house. It's a sad story to tell, but the thing is with her, J, we only had one year together. The rest of our friendship has been through phones, letters, or e-mail. And the rare visit. Somehow, though our friendship maintained and it has never been awkward with us. NEVER. WE pick up right where we left off as if the last time we saw each other was the day before. For that she will always be a part of my life becasue it's been almost 10 years of a long distance friendship and we're still sisters.

I have more friends that are just wonderful. and each one should be recognized, but by then I'd be mentioning my whole class. lol. I say give all your BFFs and sisters big hugs today becasue without those girls we'd be nothing.

IDK my BFF Jill...wait what BFF??

Even though I'm back, I feel a bit out of place. Like if my body isn't fully here or there or anywhere. I wish I could write happier posts for everyone, I wish I could be all gay and joyful, I wish I could describe to you all the happy things there are in my life, because luckily there are plenty. Unfortunately what consumes every space and crevice of my mind are the tortured parts of my soul: my insecurities, what I wish I had or didn't have, my discomforts, my anxieties. I've come to understand that I wouldn't be me, an anomaly to the human world, if I didn't feel all these things. If I had friends I wouldn't be who I am either. I can't say I'd be better or worse, I just wouldn't be me.

Most people go through life trying to figure out who they are and what's their purpose in this world. Because I've been so intuned to the Universe and God and just people around me I've known who I am for a long time; I've known what my purpose is for a while. So, as you can see, my problem is not figuring out who I am, but figuring out how to share myself with others. 

I'm a shy person, but certainly not insecure. I'm mostly shy because I don't want others to feel uncomfortable. I sometimes say things or express myself in ways that aren't normal to others. I say what I'm feeling and I'm honest. Not blunt, because I feel being blunt as a bad connotation, but I'm definitely a more vulnerable honest. I let people know when I'm sad or angry. This makes people uncomfortable because they never know how to react to me.

I mean, how would you react to someone who actually, truthfully answered, "How are you?". I mean why ask if you don't really want to know. I'm not good with small talk at all. I either don't talk or I tell you everything. 

This, people, is my problem. Or my only insecurity I guess. Will I ever find people, or MORE people, who like me for me? Or want to continue being my friend even after a class? IDK, but I sure hope so.

Once upon a time there lived a little girl who decided that maybe what she was setting out to do was not the right thing. She began to get very sick and depressed. No matter how much wine or other forms of hard liquor, she couldn't get her head straight....

Ok, I'm just kidding. I'm not that little girl. But I have been wondering how sure I am about the path I'm on. I'm graduating in 7 weeks with a BA in Psychology and a Minor in Religion. I am more than a little nervous. I don't know why, but I am scared CACALESS about this whole graduation thing. I have major senioritis and I'm really terrified of not being accepted into the grad program I'm apllying in a month. What if they DON'T accept me? That's a little nerve-wrecking especially considering that I think this grad program. The way I've gotten through most things is that I just tell myself "What happens...happens. And they happen for a reason". I hate this whole waiting game. I'm not very good with patience. I deal better with the now and the pressure of deadlines and what not. I think that's why I want to go postdoctorate. I know funny, right? considering since I've barely finished my undergrad. I can see myself, though, going back to school after everything and maybe even becoming a professor.

Sorry about the babbling, but this is how my head has been lately, actually a little worse conisdering i think about 100 other things.

oh selfish heart

oh! the spells of love
how they twist and twine
and stab our hearts.

the agony
the bliss
the wind that sweeps
our hearts
up and about.

the feeling of no
solid gorund.
the despair of crashing into it.

Why do hearts
fall into another?
So quickly?
So thoroughly?

For this reason
my love,
my heart, shall always be yours.
Now and forever
for if we were
to part
it'd come back to me
wounded,
bloody,
and batter.

For my heart's
sake.
I shall always love
you.