potpourri - don't you just LOVE that word?

As usual, my mind is all over the person where i can't seem to just write about one thing. I didn't want to write without it being consistent, but then I'd be depriving all of you (yes all TWO)of knowing the real me.

23rd of March, 2010 at 12:27 am
Right now I’m sitting on the toilet writing in my very own, brand new laptop. I have wanted one of these since before I graduated from high school; since they came out practically. You see; this laptop isn't just an ordinary laptop that just anyone gets. This laptop it touch screen. It's the Lenovo s10 3t tablet PC. Do you know what that means? I have been waiting for this laptop so that I may write on it...I mean in it as if it were one of my journals. I have wanted this laptop for the sole purpose of being able to write. The thing is I consider myself a writer. I've been writing in journals since I can remember. I kept a consistent journal all 4 years of high school. I was going to do the same in college, but the first year of college was too difficult for me to write down and relive everything that I felt. I started to keep one about my daughter, but again, there were a lot of painful memories. I know writing is supposed to be a tool to help with emotions and actually, in high school it was. But the troubles in high school were not as painful and deep as the ones in college and being a new mother.

That morning, but the next day... thinking I lost previous entry. 1:13 AM
 I’m sitting here in class with my laptop. I wish I knew what to write because right now there's nothing i can think of to write about. I've been waiting for this laptop for such a long time. I've been imagining all these things to do with it. To draw, to write stories and poems, to create SOMETHING. Now, I actually have it in my hands and...nothing.
I wanted it to be able to save paper to not continue to waste money on journals and to not waste my planet’s resources for selfish reasons. But what do I write? Maybe I could keep a journal, or maybe i can transcribe all my little novels. I probably will do both. But when? When will I get over my excitement and just start? Maybe with this I will be able to start now. Ok. Let me start with folders...

25th of March, 2010.10:57 PM
The facts of life are just as they seem. WE breathe, we eat, and we live. WE live. Those are powerful words, right? I mean what does it mean that "we live"? How does one live? By simply breathing and nourishing ourselves with what we absolutely need? Then again, don't we need other things that aren't biological? Sometimes, I wonder how simple life truly is. I know everyone says life is complicated, but is it truly?
My thoughts are as confused as this entry....

26th of March, 2010. 10:31 AM
Sometimes it is difficult to understand certain things in life. Sometimes it's hard to truly believe that a God exists when there's so much hate and suffering. But like all good Christians we always respond, "Without suffering there's no compassion". I've always believed and I think no matter I always will.
I haven't been the best Christian since I got pregnant, but I don't think I'm a bad one. It's just hard for me to feel accepted within one of the most judgmental societies out there. How can I go to Church with a 2 year old daughter? I know God doesn't judge, but people do. And they're the ones you interact with in Church. I remember in school we used to always ask our Religion teacher why Church was so important, and she used to say "We need to go to Church because we need to experience God as a community" She used to say that although receiving communion was important, it wasn't as important as learning how to be with a community and bonding with it. This sounds all nice and dandy, but how can I be accepted by them if I did what they hate the most? Fornication, child out of wedlock, still not married under God; still fornicating....I mean what is one to do?
I wish I could find a Church that didn't judge me, that wouldn't ask me to repent that sin of fornicating. Because honestly, I don't regret ever having sex with D. If I never would have had sex with him, if we wouldn't have been so careless and naive, S would have never been born and who would I be? I wouldn't be the determined woman I am right now. I wouldn't be as independent I am now. I wouldn't be as mature, as nurturing, as good as a mother I am now. I don't think I could've been a better mother at a later age, because I am trying so hard to prove something. I'm on top of my daughter and her eating habits and her intellectual development because I want to prove to my mother that I can do it, just like she did. I don't think either one of us would be the moms we are now if we didn't pregnant at such a young age...