absence makes the heart grow fonder

Silence....dark....thoughtful.....pain....excitement....tears....busy....
Are you getting an image yet? Yes, I have been away far too long and I apologize. There are several reasons why I have been away but the main is because I wasn't sure if I wanted to share certain things here. I have decided that I'm going to live up to my New Year's Resolution or NYR, then I must share and open myself up like a dead body being investigated for foul play in the morgue.
Two posts ago I wrote about how upset I was at certain people who behaved in my opinion very childish on Christmas Eve, basically ruining it for their own family and dampering my mom's special night. Well, I wrote that post last year! jejeje, had to. Anyways, I wrote it on the 25th of December. Most of my family had read it, most of my family agreed, most of my family didn't really care what I wrote on my blog. Well, I come to Miami and only a few days of being back I get THE call from one of my aunt's. She tells me,
"I read your f***ing blog"
I laughed, becasue I thought she was going to say I'm brave in writing it which is what another aunt had said.
"I read your blog!" she says again more forcefully.
I start to get worried, "Ok....?" I say questioningly.
"Well, let me tell you," She begins to tell me how hurt all of my mom's sisters are, including her. There's 3 of them. She says she doesn't understand I would write something like that. That I shouldn't judge. That I acted like a child, etc etc. I got worried so I asked specifically what she was talking about. Then she mentions a comment I wrote in response to someone. I had written something a long the lines of; "I would've shot myself if I was any of my mom's sister's daughter".
Well, apparently that's what irked her the most. I real;ized maybe those were harsh words so I decided to call the other two and say sorry to them. The first one I called had no idea about it and she laughed. she said she understood and that it's no big deal and that if I don't want to deal with this to either not make my blog public or to just not write things like that.
Well, the other aunt didn't go so well. Supposedly I hurt her the most. So I had this WHOLe speech ready for her and explain myself and to give me the benefit of the doubt, blah blah blah. I got as far as..."I'm calling because I want to apologize for the comment on my blog". Yes, I emphasized comment, becasue I'm not the least bit sorry for the post itself. I feel I didn't disrespect anyone. I didn't mention any names and I though I minimized the childness of it. Anyways, she didn't l;et me go further she went on to say that she's disappointed in me (BTW I hate that word. It's so much heavier than upset or angry) and that I shouldn't write about family, and that I shouldn't be careless. But that fine she accepts and she just wants to put it behind her. Do you think she really is putting it behind her? I don't think so either. Both her daughts wrote comments on that post and neither of them are very nice. You can go back if you like, but I don't recommend it. The first one, Mey, was super rude and ALL of it was wrong. I don't know who Anonymous is but I'm guessing it's Mey's best friend. And the last one, Karen, well....she obviously wrote something to make her big sister proud which is what she's wanted from her. This is what I wasn't sure if I wanted to share. It's a little sad and depressing. And it makes me a little angry that I'm trying to be adult about it, because trust me if I could get away in being a 5 year old right now i would. But if last year taught me anything, it taught me to pick your battles. And to waste my breath and time on trying to make my two cousins respect me and love me again FOR ME would be worthless. They gave up on me so readily without even talking to me, why should I convince them otherwise? That's what hurt me about the whole ordeal. Because everyone in my family (except my parents and that one aunt) turned their backs on me for one comment. All those thank yous, all those hugs and kisses, all those times I did things for them without them asking. All those times where I proved to be the most affectionate and compassionate and generous than anyone else in my family (except maybe my own parents), and nothing. They threw that out in the big trash can and saw only the one ugly thing. I was hurt for several days. I buried myself in movies (sad ones) and buried myself in those feelings. I didn't cry, because I was too upset to cry. I was too melancholy to even think of letting my body the satisfaction of shedding a tear. Also, I was trying to act aloof in front of my parents and hubby. They supported me and saw nothing wrong with what I wrote, but they weren't the ones who hurt me in the first place. Sometimes, another's support isn't enough. Sometimes you just want those people who hurt you to say they were kidding and that they forgive you for your lapse of judgment and that they still believe you're all those wonderful things that make you who you are. But that never happened, and probably never will. In that family's eyes I will forever be seen as ungrateful and thoughtless and every antonym of generous, compassionate and affectionate.
there are reasons why I have been absent, but in hindsight, I know I would've posted how busy I was or something or other during last week, despite how busy I really was.
Have a happy MANIC monday despite my very melancholic post.