day 1...trying to start fresh or maybe i'm trying to revert back to my old-self...

I have just finished reading the book Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. Before this book I've been wanting to make that connection i lost a long time ago with God. I might lose some followers with the story I'm about to tell. But I ask to keep an open mind regardless if you're a skeptic.
BACK STORY TIME!
I grew up in a Bilingual Catholic school. I had religion at least every other since I was 8 years old. Before that I had been taking Catechism classes every Sunday morning. At my school not only would we have religion classes, but we would go to the chapel once a week, have a grade mass once a month, go on grade retreats once a year, and celebrate major Catholic celebrations as a school in the assembly hall. Even though it was a Catholic school, I never felt repressed and we were all allowed to express ourselves and ask "threatening" questions. We were allowed in essence to doubt our beloved religion. Most of the teachers at my school believed that by asking questions you will become stronger in your faith in your beliefs.
Despite this, my parents were nowhere near religious. They considered themselves Catholic, but they definitely did not practice it. I suffered growing up becasue I felt like I was the only kid not going to church on Sundays and not knowing what the gospel was that day. For years I had no idea what a gospel was and that there were only four! Well, after realizing that I am the only one who is at fault for not having a real relationship in God I immersed myself into Him and the Virgin Mary to make for all those years of learned helplessness.
By 14 I was visiting the chapel at my school everyday during lunch. I still couldn't go to church, becasue my mom would just say no. She's not a bad woman, but it was hard for her to go back for various reasons...which i ended up inheriting (will explain later). Anyways, I prayed incessantly and started to get closer to my Holy Father. Every morning for almost a whole year I prayed the entire rosary on my way to school (I lived about 40 minutes away from my school). This was during my senior year and it felt nice to such a thing.
At 15 I started to volunteer for religious things. I was already in Operation Smile and wanted to help out religiously. I felt compelled to. So, I helped our school's priest, several other students, to give a retreat to a poor community 2 hours way from home. We had to sleep there 2 nights and everything. It was scary, but wonderful. Before this, however, i was already preparing myself spiritually by going to other religious gatherings and praying, and by believing in my own retreats and letting myself be taken to My Lord. During the 3-day retreat I was assigned to the prayer room. At first I hated this assignment because I was the only one and was secluded from the other 5 volunteers. I was a shy and timid person and there I was trying to pray for other people. The way you pray for someone else is you have them kneel in from of you and you raise your hands to wards them. You close your eyes, concentrate, and begin to pray. Sometimes they'll tell you what they you to pray for, sometimes they won't. It's your job to know exactly what they need. I'm sure you can imagine how difficult this task was, which is why the experts (the spiritual leaders) would tell me in advance that way I had a better chance on praying for them correctly. On the 2nd day the experts pulled me aside and told me that they see something within me and would like to explore it. A woman came in and they asked the woman to kneel without asking what she wanted. They then asked me to kneel with her and pray for her. I did and something happened. I almost stopped praying, but I knew I had to finish my prayers. When I stopped the woman was crying and I was terrified. In retrospect, I think I wasn't terrified just TERRIBLY overwhelmed. Just recalling that memory here is making me tremble.  One of the experts asked me what I saw. I stared wide-eyed at the man wondering how on Earth he knew I saw something. He told me to go outside for a moment (the prayer room was separated from the rest of the on-goings of the retreat). I went outside and sat myself between two of the other volunteers. They looked at me worriedly, but didn't say a word. They called me back into the room, and I walked in...scared. Again, they asked me what I saw and I told them. I had seen a little boy in a hospital bed dieing. He had something black in his belly. After a few minutes I looked at the machines and saw that his heart flat-lined. I told him that he died, and that I didn't want to tell this woman that her grandson died while she was here. Because I felt him die that very morning. All the men started at each other amazed. Then one of the men told me, SMILING!, "It's ok, Katarina, he did die, you are correct. But the Lord gave him breath again, and he lives without the black thing in his belly. Close your eyes and confirm this for yourself". I did what was asked and knew he was speaking the truth.
It turns out the boy was 7 years-old and had a tumor in his large intestine. Mind you I had never seen this woman before and was secluded to the prayer room, so I couldn't hear conversations outside of it. In the same retreat everyone was praying and the other volunteers had called me to help them pray for one of the volunteers. I raised my hands as is custom, and started to pray aloud. When I was finished I opened my eyes and saw everyone staring at me. apparently, I had spoken tongue. Honest-to-God tongue, without even knowing it. BTW this is the only true form to speak in tongues. If you are conscious that you are speaking tongues then you are probably faking it without even knowing it, because the reason why others may hear speak in tongue is because the Lord wanted to cover what you are saying so that the devil may not know. Scary stuff, i know. Trust me I couldn't sleep for a very long time, and being that close to God was the reason why I had to sleep with lights on and why I would beg my7 year old sister (at the time) to sleep with me. We had a saying in our school, kind of like a warning: The closer your are to the Lord, the closer you are to Satan.

So, as you can see I used to be very close to Him, and sometimes I will have premonitions and feelings in which I have to start praying for immediately. but I noticed that as time went on, I lost faith in those sightings, and ignored them. Which, cost a life once. I never admitted it to anybody, but I truly believe I prevented my only nephew to have lived. He was a premature baby, 7 month old fetus. The mother, my sister-in-law, had pre-eclampsia. They had successfuly taken the baby and supposedly he was perfectly healthy. But I had a feeling that in 3 hours tops he would be dead. I saw him gasping for breath. I wanted to them, but I couldn't bring myself becasue they sounded so happy on the phone (they were DR). well, 3 hours later my hubby's brother calls saying he's dead. First, the right lung collapsed, then 20 minutes later the left one. There was no chance for him. Yes, you all may say it was my fault, but not everything was done to prevent his death. And I will forever hold that in my heart. sadly, his death awakened me. This happened 2 years ago feb.17th, but it has taken me that long to get where i am.

Now, I am trying to find God again, while somehow being a wife and mother. It's not very easy, but I've decided, especially after reading EAT PRAY LOVE that I will do anything possible to make that connection again. Maybe not so devotedly, but there will be a stronger connection than now. God has carried me far too long on that beach, it's now time for me to walk with Him along that wondrous beach and be one with Him. So, I have started to approach Him in a different manner. through yoga to teach myself discipline and a Catholic version of meditation. I felt Him a little today, and feel peaceful, despite several things that are in my head right. I have faith in my future self and that she is one with The Almighty at this moment. I know it'll be hard, but I hope you all will support as I get there. I will end withsomething I've always believed, but somehow learned until recently.

I am the trees, the sky, the dirt, the stars, the universe, the everything. I am you and you are me. We are all one moving together like daffodils dancing with the breeze in an open field.