shame

Once upon a time (monday, the 23rd of Novemeber) there was this beautifully gorgeous young girl with cascading long blonde hair and hazel eyes that was going to the theatre with her just a wonderful cousin. They rode in a horse-drawn carriage wearing the most luxurious clothes offered to mankind......alright, I'm stretching the truth just a bit. Last Monday I had planned to go to the movie theatres with my cousin, Mey. I was super excited because I was going to finally see New Moon. I'm a forever optimist and I was hoping that the changing of directors would help the movie. So, I get to my cousins house, drop of S with my other cousin and get in the car to go out. I love going to the movies. I don't why, but my mood immediately changes once I know that I'm going to the movies later. We're about 30 mintues away from the theatre when my hubby calls.
"Hello?" I respond a little worried. (BTW, I always sound worried when I answer the phone)
"Babe..."
"What happened?"
"I crashed into someone."
SILENCE
"I crashed into someone, Babe." He repeats.
"Wh-wh-what? What do you mean? Oh my gosh, what do I do? D-d-d-do I go back? What about S?" My cousin is pulling onto the shoulder of the road and waits for me to tell her what to do.
"I'm fine. I'm ok. I'm not sure about the other guy...."
"Who do I call? D-d-d-do I call Nina? What do I do about S?"
"The ambulance is on it's way. Don't worry, bah-...."
"Oh my gosh, Babe. Wh-wh-what do you mean? Oh my gosh. Are you ok? What do I tell Nina? Do I turn around?"
He starts laughing and says, "Just tell Nina I'll be there in 10 minutes."
CONFUSION
"I didn;t crash anybody, I'm almost at their house to pick up S."
His joke is sinking in.
"Babe?"
"What the....what are you trying to do to me?? Are you kidding? I can't believe. How could you do this to me? You think this is funny?"
I tell my cousin, "Go, he was joking". I spit out the last word like if he tasted awful.
He can't stop laughing.
"I can't believe you, Babe. This was not funny at all. I'm hanging up..."
"Babe, wait. That was my intentionof calling. I wanted to ask you..."
"Well, figure it out. I'm not answering anything."
"Babe! Wait! Let me exlpain" He says while laughing.
"Babe?"
"Yes, I'm hearing you like an idiot. What do you want?"
"It's just I was listening to a phonetap. And I don't know I decided...."
"Don't finish that. I'm leaving."
"Wait, no! I love you babe" He's still laughing.
"Yeah, whatever."
"Babe" he burtsts out laughing, "Don't be like that. I love you with all my heart, i'm already here at Nina's to pick up S."
"Great for you. Bye."
"Ok, bye Schnookums. I love you. Have fun. Can't wait to see you later."
"Yeah, whatever" And I hung up the phone.
He then send me a text message later to enjoy the movie and that he loves me.
I decided to just ignore him for the rest of the night and enjoy New Moon. I wasn't going to let him spoil my night out, no matter what....
What's worse about his juvenile prank was that I realized I asked ALL the wrong questions. Instead of immediately asking him if he was ok, I was worried about what I was going to do with S. Some of you may think that's noble of me and that I'm just being a mom worrying about my baby. But I was worried about her becasue I wanted to go to the movies. I didn't want to have to go back and pick her up and miss my movie. I was conflicted between being a good parent and being irresponsible. I was already thinking about asking my aunt, Nina, if she could take care of S while I was watching the movie. I wouldn't have in the end, but it still crossed my mind. I was thinking that maybe he could settle everything quickly and go be with S. But i knew that wouldn't happen. The whole time I was only thinking about myself. He doesn't know the severity of what he did to me, but I learned a lot about myself that I wish I didn't know. I learned that I'm not as mature as I pride myself for. I learned that somehow I always think about me first. I learned that I didn't really care if he was ok. I'm not sure if it's because I heard him talking to me fine, or because I really don't care. He made me question myself a lot that night. Do I love my hubby as much as I think I do? Do I truly care about him? Do I truly love S, or do I feel like I have to because she's my daughter.
His little joke made me feel guilty and like if I was the worse person on this Earth. however, it's not his fault. I can't blame him for my reactions and for how I feel now. He wakened feelings in me that I had hidden. Hopefully, I can learn from this and not think that way if something bad really happens. Hopefully, I'll appreciate S and my hubby more, and not take them for granted. Hopefully, I'll take his joke as an exercise and learn that everything is not about me. Hopefully, I'd've learned selflessness. 

you have a choice

I just the movie The Blinde Side yesterday with my primas (girl cousins) and let me tell you...it was AMAZING!! I knew it was going to be good only because Sandra Bullock is in it, but i didn't think it would be this good. It is a little long, but the storyline is pretty good. The directing is great and the acting is phenomenal. It's not the feel good movie of the year, it's more the inspirational story of the year. A lot of people might think it's inspirtational because of Michael Oher, but I see it inspirational becasue of what Sandra Bullock's character did. This movie is based on a true story, and according to my research (because of course I wikied the true story), the movie is pretty accurate.
Sandra's character Leigh Anne Tuohy took in Michael as her own when she saw he had no home or anyone to go to. She saw potential in him when no one else saw it. She considers him her son and officially adopted him from the state. This wasn't her only act of charity though; she's known for raising funds for various unknown charities and projects. Yes, she's wealthy and that faciliates a lot of what she was able to give Michael and others, but regardless of money, she's still pretty amazing.
In school do you remember when they used to ask you who your role models were? Well, I used to always answer Harriett Tubman because she would risk her life and freedom over and over again to save the other slaves. That takes a lot out of someone's own courage to do. Or, how Michael says in the movie, "Any fool can have courage, it's honor what's important." He has a point, it's honor for yourself. Well, Harriett Tubman used to be my role model and I used to ask myself if what I'm doing is similar to What Ms. Tubam would do. I will always look up to that woman, but now I think my new role model is Leigh Ann Tuohy. It took a lot of courage to take in a black man into her home. I'm not being racist; I'm being realistic. She probabaly got made fun, her action was probably frowned upon. I'm sure her kids were being made fun, and I'm almost positive people thought Michael was having sex with her daughter, Collins. Because of course who doesn't want to tap some white girl's booty? Anyways, it took courage and honor on Leigh Ann's part to take him in without a thought, and only because he needed someone to believe him in.
She didn't sympathsize with him, but empathized. She didn't let him develop learned helplessness. She let him understand that he could do what he set out. He had a choice. You always have a choice regardless of your situation. For example, I got pregnant out of wedlock within my first year of college. Instead of both my hubby and I dropping out of college and getting a mundane job, we stayed. We're furthering our education because we know that, that is what's best for daughter and us in the long run. I had the choice to stop college, but i chose not to. I never felt sorry for myself for having her young. Everyone has a choice.
I don't want to turn this blog into giving advice and what not, but listen to this and pay attention to this movie. If you don't like ti watch movies you can read the book by Michael Lewis called The Blinde Side: Evolution of a Game. Remember, there's ALWAYS a choice. Even when you think there isn't, there is.
Have a happy saturday!

my run

I've been telling myself everyday since 2 months ago that WILL wake up at 5:40 am and do some sort of exercise. I prefer running just because it's the easiest thing to do, but I didn't set my goal that high. All I wanted was to be out of bed and sweat just a little bit. I did just that for about 2 weeks. Then I got sick and had to stop. Then my ingrown toenail was practically unbearable. Then I was going to bed too late which means I wasn't going to wake up in the morning. Then....I don't know, OH! Then, I didn't like my running shoes because I have sneaky suspicion that they like Horace and his little son and wants them to come back. So, you see it hasn't really worked out for me this whole running thing. However, the other day while I was an interview for a lab I decided that if they take me on as a volunteer then I'll DE_DE_DEFINITELY wake up at 5:40 and go running. No excuses. Damn Horace and his offspring. Damn the the sore throat and cough I feel coming on. Damn how late I go to bed. Well, I didn't yesterday, but I did today. YAY!! Because I got the volunteer position at the lab. They don't take volunteers and I practically had to beg. It was almost pathetic how I was unashamedly selling myself and amplifying my "talents". So, since I got the "job", I'm going to stick to my word.
My alarm went of this morning at 5:40 in the morning. I stayed in bed debating whether I should go. I kept telling my body to wake, but do you know how hard it is to waken a 140 lbs sleeping body? My mind was  DEFINITELY awake, but my eyelids just didn't want to budge open. And every time I would pry them open with the powers of my mind, they would snap shut like a crocodile snapping it's mouth on an oblivious bird. Too graphic? Ok, how about, they would snap shut like a mouse trap catching a mouse. Still too graphic? Oh well, feeling a little morbid today.
Anyways, in the end I managed to get my arse up. I did so yoga for stretching purposes and then went to...walk. I ended up just walking My Grande Caramel Macchiato. BUT!!!! I did at least walk on tippy-toes, so technically I did do some kind of exercise. ;)
While out and about so early in the morning as the sun was rising I decided to be like Penny from Picture Imperfect (woo ho, I did the link thingy!). I whipped out my handy dandy CAMERA PHONE! I think some of the pictures are pretty amazing, but unless Penny says so then they're crap. No pressure, Penny.Oh, I put this first picture only because the moment Macchi saw he freaked and started running away from it.

So, I've established I have two fetishes when it comes to taking pictues. I love love LOVE white washed anything. And I love sun rising water settings. I tried do a Penny and making small things look big, but I don't think it worked. 

Have a Scrumptiously Super Saturday!

beastiality? IDT so... It's just innocent lovin!

Every time I sit at the computer this is the process I have to go through before I can actually use the computer. My dog is probably the most affectionate dog you'll ever meet. Not only does he give kisses, but he builds up to them. He's like a little man, a flirtatious little man. He'll stare deep into your eyes, he'll cock his head to the side a little and continue to stare. He'll then tease you by nudging his nose against your chin, while somehow manages to nip it a little. He'll proceed to pull back and stare into your eyes some more and then with a little hesistation to make the kiss that much better he'll go in for the kill and lick your face so much that you have to throw him off and wash it.
Isn't he adorable?? Oh, AND he's a cuddler! He LOVES to spoon and LOVES it when you caress (scratch) his belly and ear and forehead and paws, and...his whole body. Yeah, I pretty much love him. He's like the perfect male being on this Earth. Oh, and do you want to know his name. I mean just his name alone will bring heaven to you ears and mind. Ready? It's... Macchiato! Macchi for short, but I call him "my Grande Caramel Macchiato". Yeah, the only I have to teach him is to actually go to Starbucks and get me one. MMMMMM....that sounds absolutely scrumptious right about now. IDEA! I'm going to get a gingerbread latte with soy. YUM!! Anyone else want anything?

"Tower, this is Ghost Rider requesting a flyby"

Since my hubby and I have moved to Miami he's been considering in joining ONE of the military services. He jumps from one to another, but it's always been on his mind. Lately, he's been seriously considering the NAVY. Of course, when I say "he" it includes me. Anyways, I think it'd be great for him. He wouldn't enlist, he'd be an officer and would work within the civil engineering section. I think it'd be great for him because he'd be surrounded by people who like the same thing as he does. The NAVY has this section that's humanitarian and I know he'd be GREAT at that. The ONLY downfall I can think of is the time he'll be away, oh and that fact that he has to sell his soul to them for like 8 years. Other than that though it's a GREAT opportunity. Despite the fact that I might not be able to see him for months at a time, I'm really pushing for this, because I know life as we know it might actually be that much better. We'd finally be able to move out of Miami, we'd be able to have a more secure lifestyle for S, and this could also show me a sense of independence that I am lacking.
I know in the end that it's God's will. For some reason I feel that He would be happy with this decision and that my hubby joining the NAVY is a good thing. I feel like if this is the path we need to take as a family. Ultimately, it is my hubby who decides, and I hope he listens to not only his mind, but heart.

alright alright

Ok, I have failed and haven't posted in a few days AND I never posted a follow-up on thes tory about my dad. Since I'm self-diagnosed ADHD I say skip that story and I'm going to dive right in to another one. THIS story is a little more interesting and some of you might find it a little out of the norm. (I know I did, and am still grossed out about it).
On saturday all the way in Nicaragua, my parents were invited to my grandmother-in-law's surprise 80th. They didn't want to go, of course, but I made them go. Later that night night my dad tells me they had a BLAST and were pleasantly surprised that they actually had fun, you considering on how you're NOT supposed to like the in-laws. Anyways, he bugs me to get on skype so we can chat through video.
I do as I was told and regretted the moment I saw his face.
He goes on to tell me that my hubby and I are RELATED!!! At first, I'm like, "Yeah, papa, I know. We're all related in Nicaragua". This is true, BTW, somehow everyone in Nicaragua is related. Since his parents are from there and my mom's side of the family is as well, I just figured that we probably were. But very distant and probably through political marriages and what not. Well, it turns out we are blood related. AHHH, I know! I said to my dad, "Wh-wh-What do you mean, we're related by bl-bl-blood??" My father, of course, starts to laugh at my expression and explains the story. This is how it went:
"You're great-GREAT-grandfather and his great-GREAT-grandfather are brothers. this means that Opi ( my great-grandfather) and his great-grandmother are cousins. Opi had Mommi (my grandmother) who had your mom who had you. His great-grandmother had his grandmother who had your mother-in-law you had him. The reason it took so long for us to find this out is because Both Opi and his great-grandmother were bastard children and both changed their names."
The last part of this story is true. My Opi grew up with his mom who is Delgado. But his REAL last name is Baldizon. My hubby's great-grandmother was always known as Flor Baldizon, but it should've been Baldizon Flor.
So, there you have it folks, I married my 5th cousin. Crazy, how small this world is, isn't it? There's another lesson to be learned about this story though. It seems as if cheating runs in the family.
What's scary is that if Opi and my hubby's great-grandmother wouldn't have been bastard children then our families would've mixed circles. I would've known David as my cousin my whole life and would've never married him. We would've never had the beautiful S. Yeah, he's my 5th cousin, but I think it was meant to be.
There you have food for thought. Enjoy this crazy post.

a form of retraction...

I'm feeling pretty good right about now. Yesterday was a just a day for me to wallow and get upset at everyone. I have days where I just need to dig up a hole within the darkest part of my soul and stay there. It feels nice to be able to do that. I don't know why, but every so often when I do that I feel ten times better afterwards.
When i was younger I used to just lock myself in my room, turn the lights down and play my music in the background. I would play all the sad songs I can think of on the piano or write incessantly in my diary. When I would finally emerge from the living dead I would feel rejuvenated and refreshed. It's like if I was in the process of molting or something.
I just want to comment about yesterday's blog and the whole thing with my dad. I would hate if you all thought my dad was the awful, ungrateful person. He isn't, at all. He's actually a pretty great dad. He takes what I say seriously, especially if it's about stuff I've studied in school. He looks at me like a professional in psychology (my major, BTW) and will frequently ask me questions on the topic. My dad is a renaissance man and is extremely fun to talk to. He doesn't take himself too seriously and really knows how to love, considering he never received much love. His greatest accomplishments are his kids. I've always been able to talk to my dad about anything, and I mean anything. He doesn't get angry often, but when he does he does. My dad has many flaws and one of them is what happened the other day. When he's angry he wants to hurt people emotionally. He doesn't know it sometimes, but he does do it. What's different this time is that he apologized for it, which he's never done up front. I think the reason he did apologize though was because I stood up for myself this time and told him to his face everything I was thinking. I think that and my age made him realize what he said.
The fact that he said sorry, says a lot of him. It says he knows when he's wrong and not many people can do that.
So, I ask you readers (all 10 of you who I love), to not think of him in a bad light. Don't judge him on yesterday's post only.
Tomorrow I'll share a little story about us with you all. Biting your nails in anticipation? You should be, it's a good one.

Potpourri of downers...Wallow is my new friend.

There's many things I could write about today. Actually, the reason for not posting anything yesterday was becasue I had too much to write about. I know I've already done a post like this, but this is my problem; either I'll post too many posts a day, or I won't post anything at all. It's so hard for me to only pick one. Today, I've decided I'm just going to write everything in my head. Let's see how that goes.
...Great now I have nothing to write..oh wait..here they come, ready, set......GO!
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2 days ago I started feeling this little pinch on my lower eyelid where the eyelashes are. I usually feel this little pinch when I wore too much eye make-up the previous night and didn't wash it off (I know, a major NO NO, but laziness always kicks in). Anyways, I didn't think anything of it, because usually after I wash the make-up off and pay extra attention to the area where I feel the pinch it miraculously goes away when I wake up the next morning. Nope, not this time. Of course,right? I mean I have enough with Horace, but now Natasha has to come along and actually stay. (Love how I personify my pains?) I thought that since it stayed it might be conjunctivitis, but it isn't. Or at least I think it isn't because my eye hasn't turned pink and no eye gunk has come gushing out.  But today's is the...(counts in head, 1, 2, 3??) I guess 3rd day. IDK I lose track of pain and illnesses. Anyways it's been a while since I've had it, but am feeling too lazy to go to urgentcare. I would prefer to go to MY eyedoctor, but he's ALL the way in Nicaragua! That visit would be way to expensive, and unfortunately I don't have EYE insurance. So, I guess...... (thought ends here. on to next one)
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I am EXTREMELY cranky this morning. I had a huge fight with my dad yesterday and felt  SUPER underappreciated. I didn't want to wake up this morning and do what I know I had to do, but of course, I had no choice right? See the thing is that my dad sends a lot of stuff to my house ( BTW, the parental units don't live here, they live in Nicaragua) and I usually send those stuff with other people who are going to Nicaragua. This was no exception. The problem was the most important package was too big to fit in any suitcase I, or anyone else i know, owns. I went to Walmart last night to look for another suitcase, but there weren't any big enough. I come home to tell my dad and he gets angry with me like if I failed. FYI, I'm that type of daughter that is forever trying to prove herself to her parents, no matter what. So, having my dad basically tell me I failed, hurt a lot. I went to bed angry, which of course is something you should NEVER do, and I woke up angry. I was just so angry because I do everything he asks of me without complaining. I've never told him no, I always go to places he tells me to go to get him things. A lot of times I've had to put my own money and deposit it in his bank account. (of course he pays back, but when running on budgets you know it's hard to take out $200 when you don't really have it). I do a lot, but like I've told him in the past I don't mind doing all this for him and my mom, because they are my parents and they've done so much for me. They didn't HAVE to be good parents, they chose to be. They didn't have to feed me, cloth me, love me, etc. Honestly, they didn't. They chose to take responsibility of me and be good parents. I will forever be indebted to them, the least I could do is run-arounds for them and cough up money, right? I said this much to my dad last night and he just said good night to cut me off.
I wake up this morning deciding I was going to to hit the mall as soon as it opened to get a suitcase big enough for the important package. I did just that, I got S ready and we went to the mall, despite the fact that it was naptime for her. I came back, packed the suitcase and waited for someone to come pick it up. I did what was asked of me. Maybe some day my parents will realize how great I am...My mom used to joke around and say, "what? do you want a parade or something?" and thinking about it now, after 21 years of trying to prove myself and having a baby out of wedlock and at a young age and I'm still managing to graduate on time with not only a major, but a minor and with SUPER good grades? Yes, I think I deserve a parade from them. I don't want them singing my praises to their friends, I won't them to sing it to ME.

AFTERTHOUGHT: I just check my e-mail and my dad sent me an apology saying that there's no excuse for what he said last night and that he is grateful that I do so much for them without complaining.
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I haven't eat all day and decided, even though I'm not hungry, that I was going to heat me up some vegan Kashi. I was actually savoring it when I decided this and then I look inn the freezer and guess what? IT"S GONE!! I de-de-de-definitely did NOT eat, but I know who did. The hubby's grandmother lives with us and for the past weak she's been eating lean cuisine's. She probably got confused and ate mine, instead. =(  I was so looking forward to that dish.
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Tonight is the last night the hubby's grandmother is going to be here. She leaves to nicaragua for 2 months. this means I won't have a built-in babysitter for that long. It feels kind of nice when we can just go to the movies or dinner and just leave the monitor with her, but now we actually have to find a sitter the old-fashioned way. You know with bribing of pizza and beer or video games, or music. the hubby and I, both, have plenty of family and they are all capable of babysitting, I just hate asking.
I don't really like to ask for help, especially if people to ask for my help. I feel like if I'm using them, and I like to give help, instead of receive. So, so long to planned spontaneity!
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Sorry, today's post was a bit of a downer. I'm sipping delicious grande caramel macchiato with soy coffee, and listening to super mellow, dope-smoking (minus the MJ) music, and just wallowing in my sadness.  Who doesn't like to wallow?

gross!

I am a constant sufferer of ingrown toenails. If You don't know what that it is when a little tiny-itsy-bitsy piece of toenail decides to grown INTO the skin of your toe. I don't know why this tiny piece of toenail, let's call him Horace...I don't know why Horace likes to do this to me, but he does. He goes away eventually, but he ALWAYS comes back.
Well, he came back to his most favorite spot, my big toe. I ignored him at first because he was only a baby, but then he turned into a full grown man on steroids. I keep thinking that I got rid of him, but he reproduced, and the creature that came out of Horace is something that will make your skin crawl in the middle of the night. Now, I don't exactly know the same of his offspring, because usually when I get rid of him he takes everything with him.
I don't think I'm going to have to hire a hitman to get rid of the creature!
Wanna see a picture? It's pretty, his creature offspring is. Alright, I'll put a link instead: http://twitpic.com/p0e5y
Ok, this is seriously not for the faint of heart so don't dare copy+paste that sucka if you won't be able to handle it.

miffed

WARNING: the following content was written by my 13-year-old self. So, please excuse the lack of intelligence and maturity. 

So, like, da other day I was readin this book. It's called Tempted & it's part of the House of Night Series by P.C. & Kristen Cast. Well, anyways, I've been, like, waiting 4eva 4 this 6th book 2 come out & guess how many pages it like has? 187! Seriously, like WTF.
I'm there tryin 2 read this book & like it gets betta & betta but neva reaches its climax. & then all of a sudden it finally does & guess what? It just ends. WTF! IDK, i think it's like a total ripoff to write half a book, keep your readers biting their fingers, (cuz' there's like no nails left to bite), & wait 4 da next book which will prob be only 187 pages too. Ugh!

bizarrely happy

too much has happened today, but weirdly I'm in an extremely good mood. I didn't get to run today, which sucked. My baby was sick, but was forced to go to school because I had assignments to turn in and I had to meet with my frat. I get home and she keeps getting high fevers (102-104.9!!!!). At that point (when she reached 104.9) we decided to take her to urgent care. Bleh, not fun. They were nice, and quick, but it was boring and it's not the same as seeing your own ped.
Ok, before I continue, S (my almost two year old) as an inexplicable fear for anything doctor related. She doesn't like hospitals, doctor offices, anything of the sort. Now, I've NEVER showed her fear or anxiety when going to the doctor or hospital, which is why her fear is inexplicable. Anyways, whenever we go see the doctor the first thing she does is give him a kiss, tell him she loves him, and says bye. I think that she thinks that by being nice he won't touch her. Unfortunately, that's never the case. =(
Well, while in urgent care every official that walked in to check her she would proceed to do what she does with the doctor.  even though she was kicking and screaming and almost biting those who had to touch her, their just melted when she would say bye. My daughter has CHARISMA! Maybe she'll be like Jasper from the Twilight Saga.
Well, that made me happy, because even though she was sick and feeling just plain awful she was still trying to be polite and sweet. It made me happy that she's such a trooper.
And right now as I'm typing she's trying so hard to get my attention. She keeps grabbing my hands and oputting them around her waist.
AHHH, ok I she's been impossibly, obnoxiously adorable with her shameless begging.
Good night!

Man oh Man!

Man oh man! Things are finally coming together and it's a little scary. For about 2 months I have been putting myself out there to get into a lab. As a psych major I can't only stop with a bachelor's degree. Of course I need to AT LEAST get a masters. But then again that isn't enough either. Anyways, in order to get into a good graduate school with good grants and scholarships, I just recently learned, I have to become part of a lab. Ugh! Supoosedly it has to be a research lab, but I figure if I'm going for a PsiD and not a PhD, then it should look better if I'm actually doing something practical and not theoritical.
Well, like I was saying, I've been e-mailing every reserach lab in my school. And let me tell you there's a lot. I've been selling my shamelessly for the past 2 months, re-emailing all those labs over and over again. I'm honestly shocked they haven't sent an e-mail just to say, "Cool it ok! We're not going to consider you because you're a senior!". But they won't even send me that. BTW it's hard to get into labs if you're already senior because they want someone who can at least give up their life for 2 years.
Well, I've been badgering one of my professors because I learned he was part of YDP (youth development project). He told me to contact this other woman, AG. I've been trying to contact her, but of course, she never responded any of my e-mails. So, i decided to continue to bug my prof until he caved and actually spoke to AG about me specifically. Well, on monday he did just that! Right now she just e-mailed me saying she has something I can do, and probably more. EEEEEPPP!!! But now , i don't know if I can do it.
This would mean that my almost 2-year-old would have to be in daycare almost full time. Since I've become pregnant, my dad has constantly told me, "Do what's best for you now. You don't know what can happen, you can only guess. But you need to do what's best for you, your daughter, and your family...NOW". I've been trying to take his advice to heart, but as a psych major I know that the way she grows up will affect how she is as an adult. I would hate it if she went to therapy and the therapist told her that she's acting the way she's acting because of my parenting skills (or lack thereof).
I know LOTS of kids grow up in daycare, but my family is very Hispanic, and we believe in raising our kids at home. And even with all the positive research there is about kids who go to daycare before PK, they still say that nothing beats growing up with your mom/dad at home. They may stumble a little when they go to PK because most of the other kids are probably more advanced academically, but they'll excel socially and (alter on) cognitively because they'll be more secure. I'm more worried about that. I'm not much of a social butterfly, actually I think I'm socially impaired.And I would hate it if she were to suffer as much as I did in school because of it.
IDK, I hate making decisions. I feel like one little slip and the whole world will come crashing down on me.

gurggle

OMG, I seemed to have lost my brain!
I looked under the desk,
behind the fridge,
above the mantle
to the side of the couch.
Where did I put it?
Where oh where is my brain?
I looked under the bed,
behind the dresser,
in the toilet,
out in the balcony.
Where did it go?
If I don't have a brain then I can't look for it!.
OMG, what am I going to do?
Where oh where did my little brain go?
I need to find it soon!
Lest I become a baboon!!