shame

Once upon a time (monday, the 23rd of Novemeber) there was this beautifully gorgeous young girl with cascading long blonde hair and hazel eyes that was going to the theatre with her just a wonderful cousin. They rode in a horse-drawn carriage wearing the most luxurious clothes offered to mankind......alright, I'm stretching the truth just a bit. Last Monday I had planned to go to the movie theatres with my cousin, Mey. I was super excited because I was going to finally see New Moon. I'm a forever optimist and I was hoping that the changing of directors would help the movie. So, I get to my cousins house, drop of S with my other cousin and get in the car to go out. I love going to the movies. I don't why, but my mood immediately changes once I know that I'm going to the movies later. We're about 30 mintues away from the theatre when my hubby calls.
"Hello?" I respond a little worried. (BTW, I always sound worried when I answer the phone)
"Babe..."
"What happened?"
"I crashed into someone."
SILENCE
"I crashed into someone, Babe." He repeats.
"Wh-wh-what? What do you mean? Oh my gosh, what do I do? D-d-d-do I go back? What about S?" My cousin is pulling onto the shoulder of the road and waits for me to tell her what to do.
"I'm fine. I'm ok. I'm not sure about the other guy...."
"Who do I call? D-d-d-do I call Nina? What do I do about S?"
"The ambulance is on it's way. Don't worry, bah-...."
"Oh my gosh, Babe. Wh-wh-what do you mean? Oh my gosh. Are you ok? What do I tell Nina? Do I turn around?"
He starts laughing and says, "Just tell Nina I'll be there in 10 minutes."
CONFUSION
"I didn;t crash anybody, I'm almost at their house to pick up S."
His joke is sinking in.
"Babe?"
"What the....what are you trying to do to me?? Are you kidding? I can't believe. How could you do this to me? You think this is funny?"
I tell my cousin, "Go, he was joking". I spit out the last word like if he tasted awful.
He can't stop laughing.
"I can't believe you, Babe. This was not funny at all. I'm hanging up..."
"Babe, wait. That was my intentionof calling. I wanted to ask you..."
"Well, figure it out. I'm not answering anything."
"Babe! Wait! Let me exlpain" He says while laughing.
"Babe?"
"Yes, I'm hearing you like an idiot. What do you want?"
"It's just I was listening to a phonetap. And I don't know I decided...."
"Don't finish that. I'm leaving."
"Wait, no! I love you babe" He's still laughing.
"Yeah, whatever."
"Babe" he burtsts out laughing, "Don't be like that. I love you with all my heart, i'm already here at Nina's to pick up S."
"Great for you. Bye."
"Ok, bye Schnookums. I love you. Have fun. Can't wait to see you later."
"Yeah, whatever" And I hung up the phone.
He then send me a text message later to enjoy the movie and that he loves me.
I decided to just ignore him for the rest of the night and enjoy New Moon. I wasn't going to let him spoil my night out, no matter what....
What's worse about his juvenile prank was that I realized I asked ALL the wrong questions. Instead of immediately asking him if he was ok, I was worried about what I was going to do with S. Some of you may think that's noble of me and that I'm just being a mom worrying about my baby. But I was worried about her becasue I wanted to go to the movies. I didn't want to have to go back and pick her up and miss my movie. I was conflicted between being a good parent and being irresponsible. I was already thinking about asking my aunt, Nina, if she could take care of S while I was watching the movie. I wouldn't have in the end, but it still crossed my mind. I was thinking that maybe he could settle everything quickly and go be with S. But i knew that wouldn't happen. The whole time I was only thinking about myself. He doesn't know the severity of what he did to me, but I learned a lot about myself that I wish I didn't know. I learned that I'm not as mature as I pride myself for. I learned that somehow I always think about me first. I learned that I didn't really care if he was ok. I'm not sure if it's because I heard him talking to me fine, or because I really don't care. He made me question myself a lot that night. Do I love my hubby as much as I think I do? Do I truly care about him? Do I truly love S, or do I feel like I have to because she's my daughter.
His little joke made me feel guilty and like if I was the worse person on this Earth. however, it's not his fault. I can't blame him for my reactions and for how I feel now. He wakened feelings in me that I had hidden. Hopefully, I can learn from this and not think that way if something bad really happens. Hopefully, I'll appreciate S and my hubby more, and not take them for granted. Hopefully, I'll take his joke as an exercise and learn that everything is not about me. Hopefully, I'd've learned selflessness.